Just One of Those Days

I had several entries I wanted to type, but now it all seems to have escaped me. My mind is always writing a blog entry, that's probably why I have so many of them. They all serve their purpose, one for comic relief, one for sexual release and one just because hey-why not. And now I have this one, I'm really not sure what purpose this will serve, but I'm sure as times goes on I shall discover it.

You know, sitting here thinking about it my life seems to be one blog entry after another. Funny thing is, before "blogs" there were journals and before them, I had a simple pen to paper diary (still have one). I write a lot, not always on the computer but I do a lot of manual writing; I love to sit and jot down my thoughts and ideas and frustrations and woes. Writing and cleaning serve as stress relievers, if I'm really pissed about something I can clean like nobodies business and by the time I'm done I am physically and mentally drained. I tend to be a holder-in of things....I hold them in until I can figure out a nice way to express myself, that in and of itself is a miracle. {Thank God for small miracles!!!} The love of my life......well, we're not together, but the fact still remains she will always be the love of my life. BUT, that's another story for a different day! And we're moving on......I had a hard time expressing myself because it felt like I would explode and would go into rage mode and there would be no point of return; that scared the shit out of me, sooooo I bottled my emotions.

Moving right alone......Ooey, gooey sweet is how most described me but I was an internal mess! I was hiding secrets from many people about myself, I had become a master of living a double, sometimes triple life/lie. I learned how to wear different mask to satisfy the masses, never really, fully being true to myself, but at the same time juggling while wearing heels and often the envy of some of my closest friends. No one could see the hurt I was trying so effortlessly to hide, I could sing in the choir on Sunday, fuck someone's husband on Monday, show up for the PTA meeting on Tuesday, lead the Bible Study discussion on Wednesday, cheer on my child's basketball team on Friday, fuck my girlfriend on Saturday and show up bright and early for church on Sunday. Oh Thursday, well, I went to therapy on that day, there was no mask to be worn or balls to juggle, I had to be the "real" me. I did all that shit week after week, month after month, year after year and didn't mess my up my make-up and had admiration of high ranking church clergy to boot. Even to this day, all those folk who were walking with the King could not see what a mess I was on the inside.

Wow! Just one of those days has turned into something else, more like: Stand Before You Naked Saturday! We as people can never change those things about ourselves we don't like until we get real and admit we have some things that need to be changed. I initially went to therapy because I wasn't happy anymore and I wanted a change in my life, so I figured I needed to go to someone who could help me. Yeah I know, I could've gone to Jesus, but I needed someone that I could sit and see face to face and let them help guide me down the path Jesus had laid before me. I'm jumping off that soapbox because Geigh Cheron already spoke on that topic. Anywho, during that first attempt at therapy, a lot of myself was exposed! Hey, I didn't go to drudge up that old stuff, I just wanted to build myself up so I could find the happiness and peace I desired. Well, I got mad at my therpaist because he wanted me to visit places in my mind that I didn't want to go, so I left. Some of the things I was dealing with, I knew were there, but I didn't think were that serious, I knew I enjoyed sex.......what's the big deal, right. I had to come to terms with the fact that I was a sex addict......ok, still am, but it's under control. How I came to be a sex addict is somewhere I am not willing to visit at this time, so maybe another time. 'Eh, I'm taking baby steps!

My second attempt at therapy came at a time in my life where I was literally spiraling out of control. I'm ashamed now to say this, but I called my therapist sobbing because I needed help. I placed myself in a situation that I knew wasn't right, no matter how you sliced it I was wrong as two left shoes of two different sizes. I could've been killed because it wasn't the first time I was in that situation, looking back on it I regret what I did, but going through it, I tried to justify my actions; that's when I knew I needed help. Once I stopped running and got real with myself I was able to live a happy, wholesome life. I no longer had to wear mask to please people in my life, you either take me as I am or don't deal with me. I left the mask in the closet along with my other demons that had plagued my life. Admitting these things to my therapist was easy, but little did I know what was coming around the corner.

EVERYTHING happens for a reason, I believe we go through trials and tribulations to prepare us for the next course in our lives. Not every bad thing in life has to have a bad outcome, there are some good things that can come from a bad situation. I was working hard at being the best me I could be, I had my sexual addiction under control, I was no longer Bisexual (hell, I wasn't sexual with anyone), I was taking life one step at a time. Then, one chilly Super Bowl night, my life was about to be impacted in such a way that I couldn't have written a better script if I was paid to do so. Gosh before I even go there, I have to back up and include some really important stuff that I've neglected to mention, but it'll have to wait as I have gone over the allotted time I've set for myself to write in the blog.

If I could leave you with anything, I'd say "A setback is a set-up for a comeback!". Just because things in life seem to be derailed or haven't even made it onto the tracks of your life, it's going to be ok. Everything happens in it's own time when it's suppose to happen, you just have to be patient, stay faithful, keep moving, expose your real self to God, ask him to work in your life and watch God change things. You don't have to be this Holy roller, too spiritually intellectual that you can't relax, have fun and enjoy life, He will meet you right where you are in life.

Until next time, keep living, loving, laughing and learning!

UGLYFirst