Ode to A Woman

Come, let me tell you a secret.

Now close your eyes as my words flirt with your ear drum.

I want to tell you about her

She's strong and sweet, a pleasure to meet

Wise beyond her years but always eager to learn.

No, don't be afraid that's just my words tickling your brain.

Sit back, relax and let me tell you about this woman.

She's cool as a summer's breeze,

coming and going as she please.

Short in statue but big in heart,

living, loving, laughing like it's art.

I know, she causes my heart to flutter as well,

you'll get use to the feeling, now let me tell

you why I can't get her off my mind.

Because if I had stuck and stayed,

our love would've transcended time.

You see, she is the me I hope to one day be.

Always faithful, fun and fancy free,

That's my baby always inspiring me!

Always wanted to write and be poetic,

look at me now, writing and flowing,

flowing and writing as residue of her seep through my veins.

The love we shared I knew was meant to be,

so why did I pull away when all she wanted was to love me.

I welcomed the idea of being her wife,

sharing her bed and building a life

together in peace and harmony.

But, I do not fret, nor do I fear,

because she's still standing there waiting for me.

One more hug, one more kiss,

and nice long loving licks.

Whispering gently in her ear,

Yes, Big Daddy, right there!

Moaning, groaning, grasping the sheets,

she knows how to give the best treats!

Softly her locs brush past my breast,

Dear God this woman is the best

thing to come in my life.

Now I sit here writing and flowing,

flowing and writing and missing

the best part of me.

Because I was too afraid to commit to being

in love with someone who was in love with me.

Wow!!! My very first poem, I've never ever written a poem.....NEVER! Always wanted to but I couldn't even know where to begin. Tonight I felt inspired to write about a woman that I will always have made, crazy love for, and the words just flowed from my heart. Maybe one day I will show her the poem, I know she would like it. Well, that took a lot out of me, emotionally and mentally.

Until the next time, keep living, loving, laughing and learning!

UGLYFirst

 

Just One of Those Days

I had several entries I wanted to type, but now it all seems to have escaped me. My mind is always writing a blog entry, that's probably why I have so many of them. They all serve their purpose, one for comic relief, one for sexual release and one just because hey-why not. And now I have this one, I'm really not sure what purpose this will serve, but I'm sure as times goes on I shall discover it.

You know, sitting here thinking about it my life seems to be one blog entry after another. Funny thing is, before "blogs" there were journals and before them, I had a simple pen to paper diary (still have one). I write a lot, not always on the computer but I do a lot of manual writing; I love to sit and jot down my thoughts and ideas and frustrations and woes. Writing and cleaning serve as stress relievers, if I'm really pissed about something I can clean like nobodies business and by the time I'm done I am physically and mentally drained. I tend to be a holder-in of things....I hold them in until I can figure out a nice way to express myself, that in and of itself is a miracle. {Thank God for small miracles!!!} The love of my life......well, we're not together, but the fact still remains she will always be the love of my life. BUT, that's another story for a different day! And we're moving on......I had a hard time expressing myself because it felt like I would explode and would go into rage mode and there would be no point of return; that scared the shit out of me, sooooo I bottled my emotions.

Moving right alone......Ooey, gooey sweet is how most described me but I was an internal mess! I was hiding secrets from many people about myself, I had become a master of living a double, sometimes triple life/lie. I learned how to wear different mask to satisfy the masses, never really, fully being true to myself, but at the same time juggling while wearing heels and often the envy of some of my closest friends. No one could see the hurt I was trying so effortlessly to hide, I could sing in the choir on Sunday, fuck someone's husband on Monday, show up for the PTA meeting on Tuesday, lead the Bible Study discussion on Wednesday, cheer on my child's basketball team on Friday, fuck my girlfriend on Saturday and show up bright and early for church on Sunday. Oh Thursday, well, I went to therapy on that day, there was no mask to be worn or balls to juggle, I had to be the "real" me. I did all that shit week after week, month after month, year after year and didn't mess my up my make-up and had admiration of high ranking church clergy to boot. Even to this day, all those folk who were walking with the King could not see what a mess I was on the inside.

Wow! Just one of those days has turned into something else, more like: Stand Before You Naked Saturday! We as people can never change those things about ourselves we don't like until we get real and admit we have some things that need to be changed. I initially went to therapy because I wasn't happy anymore and I wanted a change in my life, so I figured I needed to go to someone who could help me. Yeah I know, I could've gone to Jesus, but I needed someone that I could sit and see face to face and let them help guide me down the path Jesus had laid before me. I'm jumping off that soapbox because Geigh Cheron already spoke on that topic. Anywho, during that first attempt at therapy, a lot of myself was exposed! Hey, I didn't go to drudge up that old stuff, I just wanted to build myself up so I could find the happiness and peace I desired. Well, I got mad at my therpaist because he wanted me to visit places in my mind that I didn't want to go, so I left. Some of the things I was dealing with, I knew were there, but I didn't think were that serious, I knew I enjoyed sex.......what's the big deal, right. I had to come to terms with the fact that I was a sex addict......ok, still am, but it's under control. How I came to be a sex addict is somewhere I am not willing to visit at this time, so maybe another time. 'Eh, I'm taking baby steps!

My second attempt at therapy came at a time in my life where I was literally spiraling out of control. I'm ashamed now to say this, but I called my therapist sobbing because I needed help. I placed myself in a situation that I knew wasn't right, no matter how you sliced it I was wrong as two left shoes of two different sizes. I could've been killed because it wasn't the first time I was in that situation, looking back on it I regret what I did, but going through it, I tried to justify my actions; that's when I knew I needed help. Once I stopped running and got real with myself I was able to live a happy, wholesome life. I no longer had to wear mask to please people in my life, you either take me as I am or don't deal with me. I left the mask in the closet along with my other demons that had plagued my life. Admitting these things to my therapist was easy, but little did I know what was coming around the corner.

EVERYTHING happens for a reason, I believe we go through trials and tribulations to prepare us for the next course in our lives. Not every bad thing in life has to have a bad outcome, there are some good things that can come from a bad situation. I was working hard at being the best me I could be, I had my sexual addiction under control, I was no longer Bisexual (hell, I wasn't sexual with anyone), I was taking life one step at a time. Then, one chilly Super Bowl night, my life was about to be impacted in such a way that I couldn't have written a better script if I was paid to do so. Gosh before I even go there, I have to back up and include some really important stuff that I've neglected to mention, but it'll have to wait as I have gone over the allotted time I've set for myself to write in the blog.

If I could leave you with anything, I'd say "A setback is a set-up for a comeback!". Just because things in life seem to be derailed or haven't even made it onto the tracks of your life, it's going to be ok. Everything happens in it's own time when it's suppose to happen, you just have to be patient, stay faithful, keep moving, expose your real self to God, ask him to work in your life and watch God change things. You don't have to be this Holy roller, too spiritually intellectual that you can't relax, have fun and enjoy life, He will meet you right where you are in life.

Until next time, keep living, loving, laughing and learning!

UGLYFirst

Why Ask Why?

We've all found ourselves in certain situations asking "Why?"......"why I am still working at this place", "why am I still dealing with this guy or this girl", "why me, why today" or "why did I rush into this relationship with this person". I do believe it's just human nature for us to question things, our surroundings, our lives, the ups and the downs and the bad, very seldom the good. I don't know about you, but I grew up hearing that good things happen to good people or people who are in God's will, and bad things happen to people who aren't living right. LOL, I can chuckle about that now but way back when that shit wasn't funny. Countless times I tried to live right, so good things could happen to me and to no avail, life rendered me some nasty blows. I'm not going to lie and say I was ok with it and I kept striving to do the right thing so blessings could shower down on me. Absolutely not! After awhile I gave up and stopped asking why and decided perhaps this was my lot in life. Hey, we all can't be 100% happy all the time or live in the lap of luxury or even experience small miracles.

"When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I thought as a child, I reasoned as a child; but now I am a man and I put away childish things" {1 Cor. 13:11} Growing up I believed everything that I heard in church, everything that my parents told me, everything that other adults told me because I didn't doubt their judgement on things that were over my head. I still don't question a lot of things, but the whole "living right = blessings" deal, I can't jump on that bandwagon. I mean seriously, if one reads the Bible, it clearly says, ".....he maketh his son to shine on the evil and the good and sendeth rain on the just and unjust." {Matt. 5:45} so that let's me know right there that God isn't only rewarding those who are "good", he passes out blessings to everyone. Do you know how hard it is to try and live a perfect life so you can be deemed worthy of a blessing???

Oh my goodness, I have gotten way off track and simply ran amok! Wow, ok, let me look at the title to see what the subject of this entry is suppose to be. Oh yeah, "why we ask why". Ok, what I was going to say before everything went awry was sometimes we find ourselves in these bad situations merely to teach us a lesson. But we can 't see the lesson because we're so busy asking "why". Don't get me wrong, I personally believe it's ok to ask "why", how do we expect to get an answer from God if we don't ask "why" or ask him for a sign. Yet another thing I learned while growing up, "don't question God, just accept his will!". I'm no expert but I imagine God sometimes looks down on us suffering/worrying, going around in circles trying to deal with life's situations and He is saying to himself, "why doesn't she just ask me why?". Who knows, you just might get an answer and sometimes the answer is standing in front of us but we can't see it because we're focused on the wrong things.

I don't ask "why" anymore, I ask God to show me the lesson in the situation. Help me learn this lesson so I won't have to repeat this dreadful thing again or if it comes back up, I know how to handle it. People often ask, "why are you always so calm or does anything bother you", my reply "life is too short to get bendt out of shape over things that won't matter 5 minutes, 5 hours, 5 days, 5 months or 5 years from now; I refuse to use up my good energy on negative things". I had to remind myself of this very lesson today. I was walking, thinking and talking to myself and I said "why are you blah, blah, blah, blah, uggghhh!", after some soul searching I told myself, "stop asking & wondering why girl, just learn the damn lesson and try your best not to get into another situation like that ever again in life!"

I do apologize for going off the path that is this blog entry, I have a tendacy to go off on a tanget. I'm not really sure I came back and wrote what I had originally on my mind, but no worries, I'm sure we'll revisit this subject again real soon!

Until next time, continue to live, love, laugh and learn!

UGLYFirst

What's Up With the Name???

I'm blogging about the name because I'm beating around the bush about another entry that is near and dear to my heart. Until then, we shall press on towards this topic...UGLYFirst. Most people when I originally had this as my email address took issue with it Now, I can't for the life of me understand why, afterall, it wasn't their email address, it was mine. I heard of a lot of "ewww, I don't like that" and "you're not ugly, why would you use that name" or simply "you need to change that, I don't like it". In the words of Noxzema Jackson (To Wong Fu, Thanks For Everything Julie Newmar) "Approval neither desired nor required!", that was the attitude I took when it came to my email address name. I liked it and that's all that mattered, plus it had a far deeper meaning. Everything in life has a meaning, there is more than what you see on the surface, everything has it's purpose and place in life......all the good and the bad.

You know, often if a person just ask, they might get an answer that will help them better understand matters that leave them perplexed. Only 2 people bothered to ask me what it meant and even after knowing the meaning still didn't like the fact that I was using it And to that I say, if I governed my life based on what others thought, what kind of life would that be? I wouldn't be living, I would merely exist and last I checked that makes for a horribly long row to hoe!

UGLYFirst is a acronym......

U: You

G: Gotta

L: Love

Y: Yourself

First!

If you don't love you, then how in the world can you have love for me? It's a very simply principle, love begets love. I person that doesn't love him or herself simply can not send out love to others, it's impossible. While they may think they are loving others, they aren't. Self-love, self-appreciation and self-esteem are so important, they give you the guts to show others how you want to be treated and love and what you will and won't stand for. Also, it aides in the things that you stand for. Without self-love you really can't stand for anything because you're so busy being down on yourself you can't look up long enough to realize your own morals and standards. Self-love isn't arrogant or rude, it's simply says to others, "no you can't talk to me like that", "I won't allow you to hit me", "no I won't settle for just anything because I love me too much for that". Self-love says, I know who I am and what I want, that's the bottom line.

When you are loving you and appreciating all that encompasses you, people are drawn to that positive engery you radiate. I know what you're saying, but UGLY, there are some things I don't like about myself. We all have things that we don't like and would like to change about ourselves, that goes without saying. As we grow and mature and continue to live in this world, change should occur. Like I always say, "if you aren't changing, you aren't growing", some change isn't always good change, but from that we learn the lesson that is before us and do better the next time. You've met those people, day after day, month after month, year after year, they do the same thing. So routine-driven that to change their course would upset the entire applecart. They are so content with their state that to alter it in any way is unthinkable, but I wonder, how happy, truly happy these people must be. I think not much, but I could be wrong. It just seems to me after awhile, they would become dull and super boring......and certainly not learning anything because they've become so complacent. Now I'm not saying jump up tomorrow and go beserk and try to change your entire life in one day. But a little change every now and then would make your life a wee bit better than it was the day before. Go off the path sometimes, try Thai food for the first time, go to a book reading, go to the Art Musuem, take a different way home, meet new people, change the channel in the car. Just love you enough to live a little more! 

I won't go into how self-love can enhance your love life and personal relationships, that's another entry for a different day. Before you lay down and when you get up you should look in the mirror and tell the person that's looking back at you that you love them, unapologetically, unconditionally with every fiber in your being. [If I have gone astray in this entry, please forgive me, I have a tendacy to do that, sometimes I get caught up and forget from whince I first started.]

Until next time.....continue to love, live, laugh and learn!

UGLYFirst

Happy Thanksgiving!

A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all the other virtues. ~Cicero

Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving. ~W.T. Purkiser

 

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow. ~Melody Beattie

 Today is Thansgiving, a day when we come together with friends and/or family and celebrate by eating. We travel miles away or just down the road to gather together in celebration. Some people absolutely love this holiday while others see it as the countdown to another holiday. Already stress is mounting over what needs to be done, what gifts to purchase, figuring out how to make sure everyone has something. Somewhere in the hustle and bussel we neglect to truly reflect what this holiday truly means. And in the midst of it all, some of us loose our thankfulness and find that we have more regret. November and December by all accounts hae proven to be two of the most stressful and unhappiest months when in fact it should be a time for reflective celebration of family, faith and friends.

It is my hope that as I go about my day that I stop and take time to truly exemplify the true meaning of "thanksgiving". No, I might not have what I would love to eat on today or have enough money to spend on Black Friday or get stressed because things aren't going as planned, but I because of my thankfulness I realize I have all that I truly need. It is so easy to get caught up in moment of the holiday and forget the real meaning or the spirit of Thanksgiving Day. The song writer wrote, "Everyday is a day of thanksgiving, God's been so good to me, everyday He's blessing me.", and it's true, everyday we should be thankful for the good, the bad and the ugly because they all have their purpose in our lives. I ran across a great quote, it's quite simple, but very powerful, "God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say "thank you?" [William A. Ward]. It's so easy to complain about things in life, to only focus on the negative and neglect to see all the blessings around us.

My challenge to you, who ever you are reading this entry, for just one day, see the positive in every situation. And throughout the day, jot down everything you should be thankful for, big or small and at the end of the day you'll be astonished how many things you have on your list. Just as easy as it is to focus on the negative it's also very easy to focus on the positive. I wish you a Happy & Safe Thanksgiving!

Until next time, keep living, loving, laughing and learning!

UGLYFirst

I'm Backkkk!!!

Uhhhh, let me see, I started this blog apparently in 2006 and only had one entry, that doesn't shock me. I also had several other blogs going as well and this one fell by the wayside. I devoted a lot more time to my other blogs and also I was getting "into" MySpace. Well, needless to say, I'm not "into" MySpace anymore, under much peer pressure I'm now courting Facebook. I flat out refuse to even entertain flirting with Twitter, because to do so would suck me further into an addictive state. I have abandoned blogs all over the 'net......Yahoo 360, MyJournal, and Bebo just to name a few. I should be ashamed of myself, but I'm not. After awhile, I get bored and move onto something big, better and shinier. I don't even know how long I'll be able to maintain this blog, honey heaven only knows, but I'm determined to do my best. Afterall, I have so much to write about, some serious, some not so serious and some bordering on sheer insanity.

I don't have much to type about right now, considering I've thought about this entry all day and now I have nada to say. You know what really has my attention right now is this trip to Zanzibar that I'm trying to work on. But, what should really have my attention is the Christmas art work that I need to prepare for my class, but I'll get to it....eventually. Also, I should do a entry about my blog's name UGLYFirst, perhaps I shall do that later on in the day, 'eh. If only I could leave Facebook alone and stop looking at Drag Queens apply make-up on YouTube I could get some things done, namely this entry.

But, right now I won't worry about it, the only thing I need to do now is publish this post and go to bed.

So, until next time, continue to love, laugh, live & learn!

UGLYFirst