Reflections of Yesterday's Past

“We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day.” ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce quotes (Poet b.1904)

In a few more hours 2009 will cease to exist and we will welcome 2010. I was thinking today about some things I encountered throughout 2009. I can honestly say, despite some rough times, 2009 was good to me and for me. As always it provided me with struggles for personal growth and for that I shall forever be grateful. Oftentimes, while going through trying times we can't see the good in the situation because we're focused on getting out of them. Ever the optimist, I'm not on that bandwagon of rushing the year out because I had more good than bad, others might not see it that way, but their view really doesn't count, lol.

I am so thankful that 2009 provided different oppourtunities for me to discover more about myself, the good, bad and the ugly. Some things caused me to re-evaluate how I handle different situations and people. I discovered that if you truly don't stand for something, yes, it's true you will fall for any and everything! I also learned that as laid back as I am, there are some people that make my head spin around on my neck and it's ok! My mantra has always been "you either like me or you hate me", but I alwasy try to create a peaceful, positive space for all people despite how I might feel about them. Let me tell you, I was tested this year with a lot of negative, unmotivated, unhappy, sad-sack, lackluster folk....and here I was thinking I can deal with all types of people, lol. Yeah, right! These people - if allowed will suck every drop of life out of you then look at you like "what's wrong with you, you're not yourself"; I don't know if they are fully aware of how they are, but you be sure if you try to put a little change in their lives or stop subscribing to their pity parties, then they'll get a little life and fight in them. Wow! That's all I can say about those joy, happiness, peace thieves.

I reflect back on how precious life is and all it's many wonderful splendors. Facing my own mortality proved to be life-changing for me, more than I ever thought. I know we are all dying daily but to have a surgeon tell you that you're a miracle woman because you were slowly dying and didn't even realize it, has a way of changing a gal. To be told if you hadn't had the "inconvenient" surgery, you wouldn't have made it to see the summer, makes one alert about things not yet complete, places unseen, friends yet met, true love not yet found, successes not yet posessed.

While I can't say that I am sad to see 2009 end, I am very optimistic as to what 2010 has in store for me. I hope that all the lessons learned in 2009 will remained stored in my memory bank should I ever have to call upon them. As I type, I pause for a brief moment to raise my glass of wine to 2009......thank you for molding and shaping yet another facet of my personality, for all the trials and trubulations, all the good times, good people and good memories and even all those not so good times/people/memories. You have been a worthy and formidable opponent, thank you for preparing me for what lies ahead. With God's help and a little common sense, compassion, a willing and open heart I hope to walk into 2010 victorious. Salute!

It's with love, laughter, learning and living that I close this decade & this entry. Until next year, be blessed!

UGLYFirst

Sins of the Church, My POV

A few months ago, I decided that I wanted to be a celebite (Lord, I can't even spell it, maybe there's a reason why I can't spell it, perhaps, I really don't mean it!), ok celbit....oh wow, hold on, going to Dictionary.com, brb........celibate, yeah, that's it! I had made up my mind that I wanted to be a celibate lesbian and focus more on my relationship with Christ, because that's really important to me. Being with someone is great, but it's not at the top of my list right now, I don't know why, but it's not and I'm so ok with that admission of truth. I lived with someone, but moved out of the bedroom because I couldn't breathe sleeping in the bed.......long, medical story anyway, I never moved back in. There were so many issues with that relationship that I don't want to waste this entry addressing them.......maybe another time! Anywho, my relationship with Christ means so much to me, especially since I came out and how I grew up.

It is so important to me to know that God still loves me and that He has a plan for my life and that I am blessed. Growing up in a church that preached damnation for homosexuals is rough. Seeing them called down to the alter and having hands laid on them or wigs snatched off gay males heads has left such a HUGE impact on my life. You know what, right after I typed that, I decided to delete the first paragraph and I'm changing this blog entry to talk about the "Sins of the Church"......let me save this entry, go paste the other paragraph into an entry, save it and come back. Ok, back!

As I was saying, I would watch in utter fear as I witnessed Gay Bashing on Sunday's, hoping and praying no one called me out. But at the same time, saw and experienced all sort of sins that rarely were addressed. I have no idea why homosexuality is the #1 sin in the church. Some would say it ruins the family........hmmmm, I seriously doubt that, I can think of a number of things that ruin the family unit and homosexually isn't on of them. Bob, I'd say "Adultery" would be #1. Adultery can break up a family quicker than anything else in this world. But, if they're saying it stops the reproduction of the family, seriously is that true? Hell no! Listen as long as you have women who willingly open their legs and welcome the penis into their vagina without a condom, and everything is in working order, out a baby will pop in 9 months! Another thing that will tear up a family is physical abuse, rarely preached on in churches around the world, people ignore that problem. Mainly because most will say, "it's none of my business".......oh really now??? I guess that scripture about "bearing each others burdens" (Gal. 6:2) is null and void in certain situations, huh.

Homosexuality is such a touchy subject and moreso within the Black church or at least that has been my experience. While white churches and families seem to not like it as well, they tend to be more accepting. In the black church you can be an outright whore, known to sleep with anybodies husband or son, but let there be a whiff of a homosexual "demon" in the church, all hell will break loose. You will be "called out" (called to the alter for prayer and laying on of hands to cast that demonic spirit out) and you will be shunned and ostricized; because no other parent wants that demon to jump on their child. You could be a grown man touching girls or dropping your seed any and everywhere, but no one ever calls you a demon because while yes you're sinning, it ain't the BIG sin. WTF?!?!? Are you kidding me! It is crazy how some sins are justified or swept under the rug and everyong jumps with two feet on the back and neck of a homosexual, it's a sad state of affairs and it's not right!

The church is suppose to be a place of refuge and healing, it's a place where one goes to worship with others and to hear a word from God. How does one go to the hospital to get medicine but instead leaves with spiritual blows to the head and body feeling worst than they entered???? It's a total contradiction of what church is suppose to be. If God is love and we are suppose to be representatives of God, then how can be so hateful and sprew such venom all in the name of God???? Christians are funny people because they are so quick to pick up a rock and throw it knowing full well that they shouldn't even look at a rock. It is my belief that they are quick to throw rocks to divert attention from their own loose living.

As long as I could remember I was attracted to girls, even got caught one time in my pre-teen years by my great-grandmother in the throws of sex with a girl from up the street. She told me to NEVER, EVER do it again because it was wrong and she took what she saw that day to her grave. Well, needless to say, I continued to do it, I was just careful not to get caught. All during that time until about the 10th grade I dealt with a lot of physical abuse.....which I shall take to my grave or write a book using a pseudonym, but in the midst of people seeing, prophesying and calling out gay folk, no one saw what I was dealing with and all the hurt and shame I carried around. That in and of itself amazes me! What a sin it was for no one to get a whiff of it in the spirit, but they could see a homo from a few pews away! No one saw when I was dealing with suicide tendacies, but they could see gay tendacies floating in the church, to me that was a sin!

The sins of the church comes about when people are hurting, needing someone to comfort them, encourage them, just love them and tell them that everything will be alright and they don't because they're busy screwing with the hearts and minds of gay folk. The sins of the church is when it feels justified in verbally, physically and mentally attacking people who are different in orientation and not even trying to understand those people; they rather beat them about the brow with scriptures that they themselves don't even understand. Every year I attend PRIDE, we are met with protesters, sprewing such hateful venom about God hating homos/fags and how we are damned to hell or God sent AIDS to kill us all or how we are all going to hell. The saddest part about it all is that these people are holding Bibles, foaming at the mouths with hate in their eyes and heart preofessing Christ as their Savior. The sins of the church is when people have been beaten and so defeated that I turn from church and God because of what they've had to endure all in the name of Christ. The sins of the church is when Christians quote: "God loves the sinner but hates the sin", most times solely referring to homosexuals all while knowing they have ahtred in their hearts towards homosexuals. The sins of the church is condemning a group of people to hell because of how they were born and how they choose to love. The sins of the church comes about when a Christian feels justified in taking a homosexuals life in the name of God. The sins of the church is when it's ok that the organist, choir director, Pastor, minister or your favorite singer is gay and no one says a word, but berates the average church goer because he/she doesn't hold a significant role in the church body. Also, the sins of the church is when those "talented" gay folk are allowed to serve in the church when everyone knows their orientation, but must remain in the closet. They can't bring their partner into church, can't be seen mingling with other "gays", all in respect for the church. The sins of the church is when the church refuses to acknowledge HIV-AIDS and the education of it's people. The sins of the church is when a gay youth or adult takes their own life because it became too much to bear especially from people who were suppose to care about them and their souls. The sins of the church is when someone decided that homosexuality was the #1 sin in God's eyes.

What happened to "love ye one another"? Does that not count because of someone's orientation??? There are a lot of hurting people who have suffered shame and live in the fear that they aren't pleasing in God's eyes. They wonder, "does God really love me", "will I go to hell", "can God really use me", "can I ever be able to participate in church like everyone else", "can I even go to church without everyone whispering and rolling their eyes", "do I have to conceal my orientation while in church", "can I go to church and not be humiliated", "when they call couples up for a prayer of blessings can my partner and I participate". This is a such a sad, heavy burden that we as homosexuals carry, that's why most don't bother to return to church or do so with their orientation hidden. Living a double life is no fun at all, especially when you have to do it at church.

I don't know when true acceptance will come and for many, it never will. But, I do wonder at any time in these so-called church folk (can't truly call them Christians, because according to the Bible, they aren't acting like Christ-like) lives do they feel remorse for how they act. Probably not, but I like to think every now and then they feel God tapping at their hearts telling them that they are so wrong and should repent for their sins.

I still struggle with the church and homosexuality, I imagine a part of me always will. I can't sit here and say that you totally get over it, for some I suppose they do, but when you've been born into the church and hear such damning messages for all those years, how does one erase it all?

If anyone that happens across this entry and want to learn more about Homosexuals and the Church, here are a few sites that I read that helped  and continue to me:

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   Soul Force
  
  
  
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  Gay Christian
  
  
  
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  gay christian.net
  
  
  
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  Spiritual Fruits
  
  
  
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  God and Gays
  
  
  

Until next time, keep learning, loving, living and laughing,

UGLYFirst

The Queens & Me

It's no secret, if I were a man, I would be a Drag Queen! Yes, you read it right, I said Drag Queen! I love Queens, the entire concept, the persona, the shows and especially the make-up! To be perfectly honest, I want to be a Queen right now! Now, I'm fully aware that Queens don't walk around on a daily basis in drag, at that point they'd be called a "Transvestite". Before we proceed, let me explain the difference, because baby, there is a HUGE difference.

Transvestite: a person and especially a male who adopts the dress and often the behavior typical of the opposite sex especially for purposes of emotional or sexual gratification —transvestite adjective Merriam-Webster's Medical Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam

Drag Queen: n. Slang

A man, especially a performer, who dresses as a woman.

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition

Copyright © 2009 by Houghton Mifflin Company

Most Queens lead nomal everyday lives as a man, but as a performer they transform into a woman. Now, not your typical woman because that would be boring, but they transform into this larger than life, big hair, big boobs, big smile, big make-up, big personality woman. Here's the tricky part, I personally believe that some Queens are indeed transvestites, because some get breast inplants, etc. because essentially they desire to become a woman fulltime. There's nothing wrong with that, to each his own, but man 'o man, I would have HUGE conflict issues with the removal of my junk. Yeah, I got a little penis envy going on as well. Allow me to make a hard left real quick...........if I woke up with a penis and this is real talk, I'm calling into work! Not because I'm scared, nooooo, not at all, lol. I would try to use it before it disappeared or fell off.

Having said all of that, I was thinking this morning about what makes Drag Queens so special in my book. There is no pretense to them, they are who they are on that stage. They make no apologies about their characters, for some the more over the top the better, some are more subdued in character.....almost Southern in charm and mannerisms. I tend to like both, even the old washed up, fat ones who look like they are tired as hell, but still love to dress up and perform. The tranformation is really something to behold because many Queens look better than the average woman and certainly they know how to walk more gracefully than many women.......hell, even me!

I am so excited RuPaul's Drag Race Season 2 is coming back on in February 2010! I really need to stop thinking about it because I will go impatient waiting on the premiere and miss it all together. But, alas, knowing myself, I've already added it to my Blackberry, so it can alert me so I won't forget. That's kinda bad huh? If it is, hey, I don't care, lol. Anyway, I'm so into the Drag Queen way that I often find myself applying my makeup much like a Queen. Even before I knew about Drag Queens, I had a heavy hand when it came to makeup, and I like it like that. I remember years ago going to a Mary Kay party and the lady was "teaching" us how to cleanse our face, "rub this way, dab that way, upward strokes, blah, blah, blah" then came the make-up applique part (of course I perked up then), then she had a nerve to tell me "honey, less is more". Huh?!? Uhhhh, in who's world??? 'Cause in mine, "more is more is more is more and it's better!", now that's my philosophy. Now I'm not saying I apply so much that I look like a circus clown....nooooooo, but I apply enough to where I'm satisfied in what I see in the mirror. I like to wear my eye make-up heavy, light on the eye liner, heavy top liner, med-thick mascara, med blush, no foundation, med pressed powder and I like my lips glossy, shiny, pretty! I'm not against foundation, I use to wear it ALL the time, but now, it has to be a special occasion. I also use mascara on my eyebrows and a brow brush, confession: I've never had my eyebrows arched. I am so nervous about that process, I can just see it, my first experience and my brows are jacked up and I end up having to draw them on. To each his own, but I'm not into that surprised looked, I can't see myself with a liner drawing on my brows every morning, heck no!

I enjoy looking all girly, it's a huge turn on for me.......YES, I turn myself on, lol. But, it's also nice when I'm with someone and she compliments me on my make-up and we both look yummy. Another cool thing I like is when (I haven't experienced this lately but that's neither here nor there) my girl will tell me to get made up and we role play. Me: the Uppity, Stiff, Curious Female. Her: the Stud, strong, sexy, super sure of herself who has the agenda to turn me out. We went so far as to make an evening of the role-playing, meeting for a date, hanging out, getting to know one another then, me going to her place, just to talk some more lol and that first awkward kiss, then more kissing, so on and so forth. Me wondering how two women would have sex, her telling me that she would show me everything, me telling her not to mess up my make-up and hair. Me asking "what do you need that thing for?", her saying trust me you'll like it. Me asking "why are going down, ummm, please, ohhhh, oh my God is that your tou....ummmm, yes TAKE ME!

'Scuse me! Whew, let me look at the title to figure out what I was originally writing about! I don't know how I got off track, I was getting ready to make a phone call I had gotten caught up! Anyway, uh yeah, I like Drage Queens, I heart them a lot! Enough of that, I need to call somebody about something!

Until then, keep laughing, loving, living and learning!

UGLYFirst

Codependancy, Insensitivity and Other 'endacies!

Not going to beat around the bush with this entry, got something on my chest I have to vent about it! Do you have that friend who no matter how hard you try you shake them, has their claws in you like a tick on the hyde of a deer? Or that friend who can't go anywhere solo, but when they've found that you've gone out solo they get upset and say, "why didn't do call me, I could've went with you?". Perhaps you've been that friend who simply can't fathom doing anything along and will sit home countless weekends pissed with the world because you want to go out but don't have anyone to go with you. Or that person in your life who is visibly upset that you're so darn independent and have no quams about going to the club, park or anywhere alone.

Here's another scenario, do you know someone who walks through life with a grey cloud over their head? It's NEVER sunny on their side of the street, it's always doom and gloom! Woe is me is their mantra! They are never truly happy for others, they pretend, but as soon as they get the chance they have something negeative to say. The worst part of particuliar persons' personality is they will get super pissed with you when you won't subscribe to their pity party. They will say you're not compassionate or lack sensitivity because you won't waddle in their misery along with them. You can talk 'til you're blue in the face, trying to get them to see the good in their situation or trying to reason with them that things could be far worse. When you offer encouraging words, they can't be satisified with anything positive. As long as you're being positive and trying to show them the positive points in their situation, then you just don't understand or you're simply not sensitive to what they're going through. The only thing that seems to bring them sheer, utter joy is when you slip down into that negative pit, roll around and get all those negative vibes on your body, then you've suddenly become this person they can relate to and talk about.

This week I watched several Youtube vids discussing Toxic People & Toxic Relationships, as I watched all I could do is shake my head in aggreance because I've come in contract with those people and some are still in my life. I often wonder, how can someone function properly day-to-day when they're toxic. Do they not realize their behavior or has it happened so long that they feel it's just how they are as people? Better yet, how can they feel everyone else is at fault, but they can't see that they clearly played a part in things.

Working with a codependant person is hard, but working with one who is negative ALL the time is a struggle in and of itself. Doesn't matter what you say, they can ALWAYS trump the positive energy, they have had it worse than anyone else, they get treated worse than anyone else, they are always left out of the group, so one and so forth! It is exhausting dealing with this type person day in and day out. Just me typing and thinking about it is draining. The crazy part about it all, is that sometimes they assume what they are doing is so much more important than anything else goin gon in this world. I feel like this, if their time is so valuable, why sit around and wait on others???? Get your ass up and go out into the world and handle your business.......by yourself with a smile on your face because all hell might be breaking loose, but at least you were spared to see another day!

OK, so I'm back to finishing this entry that I started on the 5th!!! Kinda got a tad bit busy and overwhelmed and sometimes underwhelmed, but nonethless, I'm back to finish this thing.

So, as I was saying, you have to be careful of toxic people! They will cling on to you like a leech slowly sucking your blood and killing your spirit 'til there's nothing left and you're more like them. A son just popped into my head "People Make the World Go 'Round", well toxic people makes it spin off it's axis. Thinking about it you really can't be rid of them because they're EVERYWHERE, we just have to learn how to live and deal with them. When I first started this entry, I was in an irate state because my life seemed to have become inundated with these crazy-type, highly toxic people......I had high levels of toxicity flowing around, over and through me. I pride myself on being able to deal with everybody no matter what level they're on, but this round had taken me aback and I was ashamed of myself for how I was handling it. I thought Thanksgiving would be the break I needed to detox, but noooooo, soon as life hit it's normacy....(is that a word, because I will make up some stuff, let me go check that out)....normalcy, yes, that's the correct word; the toxicity still made my skin crawl!

So, here's what I've decided to do, because ignoring it doesn't work, pretending that the person doesn't exsist doesn't work and mentally hitting the mute button wasn't the ticket, I decided to come to the ring swinging like a champ. No, you can not invade my space, steal my joy, change me nor suck the very life out of my body. There was no more Ms. Nice Co-Worker Lady business going on, the only way to deal with this toxic person was to rise above and treat her toxic tendacies as such, like they were "toxic". You're not having a good morning, fine, keep waddling in it, but you won't try to pull me down with you! For every negative, I through out a positive; for every "whoa is me", I came back with a "why not you"; for every frown, I smiled even harder; for every cup half full, my cup ran over!

It's hard working with a toxic person, hell, it's hard living with one as well. Friends toxic, you relly don't have to deal with them that much, but when you're dealing with some crazy 'endacies on a daily, it can take it's toll on a person. I've always said, "kill 'em with kindness" and when that doesn't work, nip whatever they're trying to deposit in your life in the bud. Life is so short to be dealing with stupid stuff and I refuse to waste my time/energy/emotions on a person that insist on being toxic. I don't want to change you, can't help you change, my best advice is to go get yourself some help because baby I don't get paid enough money to deal with what you're working with nor do I want to.

All in all when you are faced with toxic people, smile and say "Not today". They will ask you "what are you talking about", just smile and say "Not today", then turn around and walk away! "Positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." ~Herm Albright

Until next time, keep loving, laughing, living and learning.....and watch those toxic people, lol!

UGLYFirst