Mind Blowing Decisions, Causes Head-on Collisions

When I first heard that song, I know exactly where I was and who I was with! I immediately fell in love with the song and deeper in love with the woman. Heatwave was a superb group, they made and sang incredible songs with awesome lyrics. (I'm a lyric person, I don't pay too much attention to the beat, but this song caused me to pay attention to both!) Check out the song:

While the decisons I face aren't about shacking up with a woman or breaking up with one, my decisions are equally as important as the lyrics. You know I consider myself a happy-go-lucky kinda gal, no things are perfect in my little world, but I do find contenment in whatever time or space I'm in. I have this uncanning ability to quicky adjust to my surroundings, oh I might not like them, but very few things shake me. Faith in my hopes and dreams keep anxiety and things of that nature at bay. Now that's not to say I have it all together because I don't, honey, I'm far from it.

It seems to me the older I get the more my thought pattern changes, things that once held my attention, now wanes after a few days or weeks, sometimes months. Things that once held little or no value to me, now matter; where I once was a bonafide, card-carrying loner, I have a desire to make friends but more importantly keep them. While my tolerance for stupid shit remains firm, I'm finding that I am more cut-throat about what I want and don't want in my life. Oh I'll put up and allow dumb shit to happen, but just know because I'm allowing it to happen doesn't mean I'm a subscriber to your bullshit. I've learned, I can't control anyone's behavior and I'm not going to try, no matter how I see the potential in a person, if they don't believe I can't force faith on anyone. Planting seeds is what I'm about, I might not ever see the end results, but if I can leave someone thinking differently, looking at the world or their situation differently then I'm cool with it.

My delimna comes in because there are so many things I want for myself, things that people can't even imagine. People look at me and see a smiling face or me joking and laughing but there is a lot that goes on below the surface; not just in me but in everyone. Several months ago, I wrote about the mask we wear for the public, but what lies below the surface would blow our family and friends away. Almost everyone I have a relationship with (co-workers, girlfriends, friends, aquintences, family) think's they know me. Just because you know a person's favorite color, or you remember that they have only one dimple or the do a fnny thing with their top lip does not mean you really KNOW that person. Most human beings are creatures of habit, so in therory "knowing" them only means you just ore observant than what they're use to. Routine and habit shakes me to my core, people who fall into a rut/routine don't even realize it's happening, they get up by a certain time, do this at a certain time, do that at a certain time and so on and so forth. If any little thing deters them from their schedule their Apple cart is rocked with apples rolling everywhere and they are falling to pieces. Anytime I catch myself in "routine mode" I quickly snap out of it because I don't want anyone around me thinking they know me or all there is to know, for me just like I invest time in getting to know my friends, I don't want anythinig less of them. People really need to take the time to get to know a person, you know someone like me isnt going to make t easy because I want to see how how valuable my friendship is to you.

Back to my main reason for writing today, I am at a crossroads with so many things in my life, should I go left or should I go right, or maybe just keep going straight ahead. I know one thing, I dont have the option of backing up and no matter what I choose I'm going to be fine and happy. Happiness is the only option available to me, I don't want to even consider the other options, I know what keeps me motivated and looking up, and that's hapiness. No, I'm not where I want to be, but I'm thankful I'm not where I could've or should've been, I have faith that things will work out for me. As long as I keep dreaming and making efforts to accomplish my dreams, I'll be just fine. Here are a few quoutes that I thought was so befitting of my mood and blog:

Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.
-- Harriet Tubman

How do you go from where you are to where you want to be? I think you have to have an enthusiasm for life. You have to have a dream, a goal, and you have to be willing to work for it.
-- Jim Valvano

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
-- Mark Twain

Just as Mark Twain stated, 20 years from now I don't want to look back and feel sorrow because I didn't take a leap of faith and try to do those things which I felt I couldn't do (hey that was a little bit of Eleanor Rooservelt). I have so hard choices to make and I know that I'm capable of doing the right thing......or at least attempting to do the right thing.

As always keep living, learning, loving and laughing!

UGLYFirst

Been So Long

OK, so yeah, I thought I knew the words to that song, I even wanted to use it in my blog because, afterall it has been so long, since I've been gone, so good so sweet, mumble, mumble, wanna be, DANGER! So, to be politically corect and whatnot, I googled the lyrics and yeah! Damnnnn, wow! First of all I thought it was that guy who lives in Arizona (Ya'll gone make me loose my mind, rapper) singing/rapping that song, well, lookey here, it's Mystikal, ok cool. Then I read the lyrics and wondered to myself, "where the hell did I get my lyrics from", lol. I suppose I made my song up by half listening and focusing on the road as I drove along.

Nonetheless, it has been so long and I'm glad to be back........DANGER! Honey, I got lots to blog about, things that have happened to me, just shit I don't understand about people......hell, stuff I don't understand about myself. I've been through some stuff, seen some stuff and caused some stuff but through it all, I'm still standing!

How about I just took a break to look for a blog/journal that I kept many, many moons ago. I can't believe I still remember my username, etc. that's wild considering my horrid memory. Anyway re-reading my entries made me blush (me.....blush?), well, there is a total Eclipse happening early this morning, so hey me & blushing are not too far-fetched.

My life thus far has been like a flipping page turning dramedy, drama mixed with comedy. My childhood although from the outside looking appeared decent, but it wasn't, it was laced with low self-esteeem, painful shyness, sexual/mental/physical abuse, sexual dysporia due to the abuse, later as a teen and adult, I became a sexual addict. I will always struggle with my addiction and I'm ok with it, perhaps I will blog about my addiction. And along the way, there has been utter comedy! I have learned to not take too much of anything too serious, especially myself. Try to make a few good friends along my journey, always leave a bit of myself with everyone I come in contact with.....I'm all about planting positive seeds in the lives of others, fufill a few of my dreams, experience new things, love more than my fair share of women and pray that the Creator allows me to cross paths with my soul mate. I don't wish for a "happily ever after", I desire a chance to live my/our best life everyday.

Until next time......

 forever growing in love, learning and living with a side of laughter!

UGLYFirst

Stepping Out On Faith

I spoke with a friend today, while I was so glad to speak with her I was saddened to learn that all was not happy in her world. I was under the impression from her Facebook pictures that she was happy and in love, but I of all people should know better considering for years I wore a mask, make that masks. Somtimes I have catch myself, because it's very easy to slip back into that old way of masquerading my feelings. 

She began to open up about how she knew that she needed to get out of the relationship years ago, but has stayed for one reason or another. And een left one time and was suckered back in and the behavior started back up again, isn't that usually the way. I told her that we really needed to meet for lunch, it was very important that we had lunch soon, my treat! We had been friends for years, I had shared lots of things with her and vice versa, but I had neglected to share one important thing, my sexuality. While I will eventually get around to that all important detail, I want to know that my friend is doing ok. I NEED to know that there is no physical, verbal or mental abuse going on in that relationship, then we can proceed with figuring out other details about what she wants and needs to do about her horrid relationship.

It's sad when you're caught up in some bullshit relationship for financial reasons and the other person knows it, but that shouldn't stop you from leaving, it didn't stop me. You have to develop a plan, it's all about timing and planning......"He who fails to plan, plans to fail." I love quotes! While it might time some time, it's ok, hell you've been in it this long, what's a little longer, especially if there's no violence going on. No, if there's violence, then I say, get the hell out. Don't stay and get getting your ass beat. And, I'm speaking as a novice, I've never experience domestic violence, never been hit in my life, not unless you count a 3 year old hitting slapping the shit out of me. (That situation was straight crazy, that little boy slapped me so hard I literally saw stars and thought I was going to end up with a black eye, guess I didn't change his diaper fast enough. He was a special needs child and he showed me that 4+ years of a college education was nothing compared to the ass-whooping he gave me that year, I learned the true meaning of Through the Fire, I don't know what Chaka Khan was singing about!).

I hate when I get off track, I think I might have a touch of ADD, damn! Anyway, I am making it my mission to get with her this week, I feel bad that I never told her that I was gay! I had been meaning to meet up with her for lunch awhile back, and tell her, now that she isn't happy in her relationship, I think I might put off telling her and just focus on her situation because obviously, my news isn't going anywhere.

I'm going to tell her and I'm telling whomever is reading this entry: time and life is too short to be miserable. Baby, I don't care if you're in a gay or straight relationship and you see that it's not working and you know you've done all you can, you don't have to stay in it. That's like a person on a sinking boat, would you continue to stay on a boat that's sinking? You've tried to cork the hole, but the materials you've used isn't working, the patch worked for awhile, but now you see the water is seeping back in. First it was a slow leak, now it's flowing faster, at this point the water is around your ankles. Are you going to just sit there and go down with the boat and let the other person tell you that it's not that bad? You have a chance to save yourself, listen to that still small voice, listen to that feeling in the bottom of your stomach telling you that this simply isn't working anymore. Have the courage to love you, have the strength to stand up for yourself, find the motivation to have your own back, have the wisdom to say "enough is enough", have the faith to say "I don't know how I'm going to make it but I can do this this", motivate & encourage yourself. Surround yourself with positive and motivated people, pray and take that first step of faith. Now, it won't be easy, but the peace of mind honey, you'll wish you had made the move earlier! Peace & love!!!

Until next time, keep laughing, learning, loving and living....

UGLYFirst

A Little Self-Talk, Equality, Love & Forgiveness

I'm back, I had to take a little break, while I had a lot to say, it was angry stuff and I'm not trying to put too much of that into the atmosphere. So, in light of that, I decided to remain silent. While, I'm still angry, I just not as angry.........well, I'm not hostile, ok, that's a lie, I'm hostile at this point because I'm talking to myself.

I'm in the Wal-Mart, just jibber-jabbering, I use to try and hide it and act like I was on my cell, but oh no, I don't even care anymore. I'm in the cheese section having a full-blown conversation with myself, but the good thing is, I'm not answering back. It grates my nerves that I have allowed people to infiltrate my life and pretty much run amuk and I am having a devil of a time getting rid of these mofo's! I am trying to be very nice and gracious about it, but I am so close to asking Jesus to cover His ears or forgive me in advanced and get real nasty and go completely off! Because some people don't understand or can't catch a clue if it smacked them in the face and even then they still question it. Geez!!! I don't know if this is desperation or what. Nonetheless, I can't allow people to drive me nutty.

Anyway, amongst other things, I have been getting excited about my trip to Philadelphia in April to the Equality Forum I've never been before and think they have prepared some very interesting forums. I've decided I'm going to get a sub and leave my class 2 days early and go enjoy Philly. What damage could my assistant and a sub possibly do to my babies in 2 days???? This is really HUGE for me, I have trust issues, in most areas of my life, the weird thing is, I don't have trust issues when it comes to my health, but that's another subject. Anyhoo, I don't trust my assistant because she's not child-friendly, why she's working with children is beyon me, clearly she's in it for the money, which proves me to she is is a moron, because ask anyone and they will tell you, there is no money to be made working with children. So bascially my assistant is a damn rock! DUMB! Enough of her, another thorn in my side.

Today I was reading a blog entry by Aquarius.Soul and it was really good, all of her entries are good, but as I came down to the bottom, she mentioned the number of days until the anniversary of her and her wife. That was really sweet, but I thought, "oh man, I can't imagine me ever having a countdown for an anniversary or even anything of that nature" . In all honesty what I can imagine is a countdown of  "me getting rid of that heffa" , but what does that say about me? Oh my gosh, I really do want peace, love and happiness in my life and with another person, I know of several people that would disagree with me, but that would be sour grapes talking.

I really don't know what the future holds for me, if it meant for me walk through the remainder of my life solo, I'm cool with that. However, if I am meant to share my life with someone special Lord please prepare me, make me better than I am today, make me sweeter than think I am, slow to anger, more understanding, more caring, more loving, more affectionate, slow to speak more willing to listen. Daily, I try to improve myself and work on me, some days are better than others. Some days, I can pull myself through and other days I'm mean and angry because I didn't listen and now I suffer. Experience will teach you far better than anything else can and once you learn, (not unless you're one of those slow learners) you won't repeat the lesson! I think the most important thing I need to do is forgive myself and perhaps the lesson will come to an end, because overall, I've learned the lesson, but I remain angry with myself and I can't move forward holding on to the anger. God please help me to let go of this anger.

Until next time, keep laughing, loving, living, and learning,

UGLYFirst

U-Haul Lesbians????

There's this joke about what do lesbians take on a first date? A U-haul! Uhhhh, that shit ain't funny! At least I don't find it funny, not in the least little bit, once I finish this post, I'm going to find that little cartoon thing, so I can get all high-tech and attempt to add it because I'm the world's worst at trying to re-tell a joke. Anywoo, amongst other blog post I've written over the weekend in my mind, this one has stuck out the most and bothered me because I'm a woman and a lesbian and gosh darn I know quite a few needy-ass women whom I wish would stop the madness! (OK, I didn't find a cartoon, but I did get the gist of this joke thing, here it goes:

Q: What does a lesbian bring on a second date?

A: A U-Haul.

Either way, I still don't find it funny.)

WHY, is it that lesbian women feel the need to live with their partner????? I thought about it, hetrosexual women don't do this. On the first date, they don't immediately cling to the guy and want to move in with homeboy not unless there's a little imbalance going on, but you know what I mean, normally it doesn't happen.

I wonder why lesbians moreso femmes cling onto butches and studs and are quick to move in with them. Are they looking for women to "take care of them" that's not an idea that not too far fetched, as I've seen that all too many times before. I've seen a lot of butch/stud women used by femme women who were gay for the stay just to get all they get, which is sad and wrong not to mention very dangerous! Then if that's the case, why do these women welcome these femmes into their homes with opened arms?????

I asked a woman who had several failed relationships, why she stayed in those relationships, knowing that they were bad, knowing that things weren't getting better, just for the sake of having a warm body laying beside her? WHY?????? Maybe my ass is slow as hell! I don't know?!?!? Because my philosophy is just because you're in a relationship doesn't not mean you have to live with your partner, point blank-end of story. I have learned that I need my own space, not because I want to cheat, but because I need my own damn space because sometimes I am moody as hell and evil and I need my quiet time and if I don't get my quiet time, my me time all hell can and will break loose, all I'm doing in my down time is sitting there with no lights on, tv is off, candles lit, a glass of wine (ok, bottle, whatever!), but me and no noise all night. I had a mate who could not comprehend that for nothing in this world, she figured, I'm in the room, not bothering you, that should be ok, I only come out to get something to drink, or to let the dog out or blah, blah blah blah.....see how you just blanked out, that's how I would blank out because she just didn't get it, so fuck it! That's when I knew amongst other things that I COULD NOT LIVE WITH MY MATE, END OF DISCUSSION ONLY JESUS COULD CHANGE MY MIND!

Anyway, back to the topic at hand, instead of trying to move in with woman why not try to get to know this woman and form a nice foundation (the basis or groundwork of anything) which could possibly lead up to a good friendship and then see where things could go from there. What's so wrong with this path? Now, please understand, I know that all relationships don't take that route but most should. I don't profess to be an expert, but if what you've done in the past has not worked perhaps you should change what you're doing and that should yield different results. This year, let's slow it down and take our time and get to know that potential mate, there's no rush. It might sound corny, but say it with me: "I'm worth the wait, if you really want to really get to know the real me, I'm worth the wait!"

Seriously, what's the rush???? And yes, I do believe in love at first sight. But, we can't get love and lust confused. And I don't think it's good to give up our peace of mind or move in the first chick we click with just so we won't be lonely and call it love or a relationship. We are so smarter than this! Oh, FYI, I didn't make a resolution to stop cursing, because anyone that knows me, knows I don't cuss in real life, well, not this much! For some odd reason when I start blogging, I have this strong desire to use foul language. I even do it when I'm mental conversing. What's up with that????

Until next time, keep laughing, loving, living and learning,

UGLYFirst