Why Am I So Mean?

Ugh! I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, honestly I don't! I have found the older I get, the lower my tolerance level falls for bullshit. I honestly believe I need it get a tested because I have become allergic to certain strains of shit, different strains causes different reactions, some just causes me to break out into hives; while others literally causes me to outright become enraged, there's simply no other way of putting it. When people come with that stupefied, "are you for real" eye-twitching bullshit that they themselves are having a hard-time believing, that's when I become enraged and want to rip them a new asshole! I am trying so hard in this New Year not to subscribe to people's idiotic bullshit and I have decreed a resolution I am thus-ly (yeah, I know, not a word) including this idea in my philosophy of forgiveness.

To include this into my philosophy of forgiveness is HUGE for me, super-duper HUGE! In saying this, I should tell you about my philosophy on forgiveness, so you all can understand where I'm coming from. {However, I will have to save and finish this tomorrow, for I fear my meds have kicked in and I am no longer in control of the typing but the pills are,}
Oh, ok, I'm back! Whew, sleep is the best thing ever! I gotta tell ya, the best medicine one can take for all that ails the soul.

Now, to my philosophy on forgiveness, hold on tight 'cause you're probably not going to believe this, but this is how I govern my life, it might not work for you, but it works for me and helps me sleep better at night. The things that most women would leave a mate for, I normally would not, i.e. cheating, lying, etc.

• Cheating: For most women they say, "oh the relationship would be over if I caught my girl cheating on me". Now for me, I wouldn't end the relationship, I first would have to ask myself and her "why" and that's something most people don't ask. Most partners never ask that question because nine times out of ten they already know the answer.  

Written January 19, 2010, uhhh, not sure why I didn't finish this post, but I didn't. I'm not going to try and finish it because I don't know where my mind was and if I added to it now it wouldn't be the same. Damn, I was mean in January???? Of course I was, I'm always mean who am I kidding, lol. I have to be mean because people take my kindness & sweetness and try to play me, so often I have to put my foot down and show these people that I'm not naive and someone to toy with

What A..........

What a differance a nap can make! Woozers! I'm feeling so much better! I think I'm just really tired, that's why I have been in a really foul mood. I went to my endocrinlogist and he said he wasn't sure the surgeon put me on the right dosage of thyroid hormone replacement after my total thyroidectomy. So, that's why it's so important that I take my medicine daily, which I so eloquently screwed up by taking myself off that medicine for 2 months. Needless to say, I learned that I can't do that because if I don't take my medicine, I eventually die, plain and simple.

I didn't fully understand what the thyroid did for the body, heck, I really still don't understand. All I know is this, for years I was ALWAYS cold, I wore sweaters year 'round, I don't like air conditioners, they are a waste of energy why not use the fresh air that the good Lord has provided for the world......that's my philosophy. I also never had enery, but I always pushed myself, I'm a busy person, I NEVER slow down because I ALWAYS have things to do, I'm always on some committee or volunteering or at some workshop. When I slow down and sleep, I SLEEP!

I'm not going to go into how I found out I have an issue with my thyroid and how serious it was with the surgery, because I think I may have covered it (if I haven't I will, because I think it's important for people to know signs).

Written on Febuary 5, 2010.

Well, here I am early Christmas morning, cooking, baking, facebooking and drinking! I hadn't a clue as to what I'm blogging about nor do I have a title, but hey I'm not worried, I learned a long time ago not to sweat the small stuff! So, i'm back 2 days later and I now have something to talk about, lol.

It has always been a desire of mine to move to another city and start over again. But every darn time, that old pesky love got in the way! Gosh!!! See, while I believe you can have a successful LDR, most others don't and they are generally very verbal about this fact. Well, here we go again, I feel that old familiar tugging at my soul, spirit and heart to strike out and go be.........somewhere else. You know, people do it all the time, they just gather up their belongings and get. Sounds great, but I'm a planner for certain things, if it were just a vacation I wouldn't have to have a plan, but we're talking about my possible entire life, gotta be more responsible. So, I've been researching jobs and living expenses, etc, because I'm too old, ok strike that, never too old, I have a kid that's depending on me to make things right and somewhat comfortable. *Notice I didn't say "easy", I believe not everything should be easy for children, it doesn't prepare them for real life if everything has been easy in life for them.

I've learned how to adapt to any situation, I think thats a really good skill to master. I wasn't always like that, I loathed change of any kind, but I had to force myself to deal with change, because if I didnt it would stunt my growth and I could miss out on a lot of really cool things being paralzyed by fear and anxiety.

Written December 25, 2010, no title, perhaps I was tired and a wee bit tipsy.

Riddle Me This

I was reading the Q Notes today and noticed something quite disturbing, there's ALWAYS stuff for gay men, geared towards gay men, mountian retreats for them, travels for them but never anything for lesbians. Why is that????

Written January 2, 2011

Layers

I am a femme lesbian, however, there are so many layers to me it makes it's kinda hard to fit neatly into such a small box. I enjoy wearing make-up and looking flirty, although I don't have a very feminine walk. I'm the kinda woman who doesn't mind doing the "dirty work", I can pump my own gas, change a tire, change my own oil, take the trash out and cut the grass. I love my breast and push-up bras that make my breast look like plump melons. I love wearing heels, although they hurt like hell but they define the muscles in my legs and look good as I stroll by. I enjoy spraying perfume on my pressure points so smells of me can linger while I'm long gone. I'm sweet, witty and smart, I have a great personality, and a sassy side to boot.

This was written on January 12, 2011, I can't finish it because I don't know where I was headed in this post.

I Want To Scream!

I want to scream!

I feel great sadness and sorrow at times.

I feel so alone at times.

Not trusting anyone or anything!

People say and do things purely for their gain,

Never once wanting to acknowledge my pain.

How do I find that which makes my heart sing?

When all I feel is people's sting!

I love you, you're cute, you're the one for me,

that's cute and all but what about how I feel.

They reach, grab and take

Use, abuse and confuse but insist

I'm what you need.

Oh I play their game,

For as long as I can fake it.

Then I come to a point,

Where I can no longer take it!

You're mean, you're hateful,

You goddamn ice queen!

I want! I want! I want! they say

I can't! I can't! I can't! I scream

They don't listen, they don't care!

Just open your legs they say, 

Let me take you to heaven.

Ugh, I can't wait for this to be over,

Why do I always end up in Hell?

No one understands where my true happiness lies,

It damn sure isn't between my thighs!

Just because I enjoy good sex,

Please believe I am far more complex!

No one takes the time to really get to know me,

Only exploring the outer realms

Too afraid to go deeper

Because "girl, you too damn controlling".

Of course I'm going to resist you

You running amok in my head

I feel if you really want me

You're willing to go all out and put the time in.

No one bothers,

No one really cares!

As long as they get a piece

They're content without having it all.

All of me, why not take all of me?

Why settle for the body,

The pussy, tongue and fingers,

And not the entire package?

So here I sit,

Sad, alone and desired.

So many desire,

But none willing to conquer.

Now ain't that some bullshit!

I want to scream!

I wrote this back on Feb. 21, 2011, for whatever reason I didn't click the "Publish Post" button, so it sat in my dashboard like many other post. Sometimes I write out of frustration, sadness, sorrow, happiness and sheer boredom, there's always something going on in my mind and in my life. I don't know if I was dating during that time or what was going on, but re-reading this "poem" (I guess that was what I was aiming for) I could sense sadness. It's the same thing it has been for years, everyone enjoys the sexual side of me, they like me when they first meet me but when I no longer want to continue on the course then I'm not so nice to them or compliant, but they still want the sex. I loose interest in people fast or become bored because they do nothing to hold my interest. There HAS to be more than sex as a foundation because when the sex is stale because you only know 1 move and expect me to work miracles my mind is already gone. 'Tis true, I enjoy good sex and love great sex, yea, I know a lot of "tricks" but damn bring something to the table, tickle my fancy, make me laugh, be cool with exploring new things outside of sex, damn at least watch the news so we can have some sort of conversation about something. Truth be known, I can and usually do have some incredible "self-loving" sessions, I romance myself, I light candles, have soft music or music according to my mood playing, sometimes I have nice hot bathes or showers and a glass of wine; so you see technically those who were pursuing me hadn't even risen up to the level I treat myself.

I truly believe most people think as long as they're bringing the sex that I will be satisfied and happy and want to be with them forever. There is more to capturing a woman than making her body feel good, uhhhh, the biggest sex organ is the brain. Usually the last thing thought of but it would've been the first thing intrigued and tickled. With me, sex is always going to come into play but it's oh soooo much better when I've been mentally stimulated, rarely do I get the mental stimulation. I'm trying to think how often it's happened and to be honest I can say only once, ok to be fair 1.5 times. If you engage the whole person, you don't have to worry if that person is cheating, how long they'll stick around or if there's thoughts of straying, those things will be moot points because you have managed to do what others rarely do. That person will be loving, devoted, respectful, always showing pure admiration towards you, as long as you don't abuse your position with them and the sex, baby, the sex will be amazing......well, it would be if you were with me, tee hee.

I'm glad I made it out of those dark times in my life unscathed, still willing to love, welcoming love and overall the same nice considerate person. OH, don't get it twisted, there are many dark times that followed, bad choices in people but I still survived and I will always survive.

Ahhh, living, loving, laughing and forever learning!

UGLYFirst

Standing On the Cusp of True Happiness

As I stand on the cusp of true happiness, I momentarily glance back at my past; a past filled with highs and lows, good times and bad. I use to look back in regret but no longer because the happiness I feel today causes me appreciate those past times. I appreciate all that I experienced because those rises and falls shaped me into the woman that I am today. All those people whom I allowed into my life, I forgive them for the hurt they caused and I forgive myself for the hurt I caused them. I own my part in every scenario, whether they own their part is on them, whether they trash me or not, it's none of my business what they think or feel about me. I don't regret having been in their lives, I don't regret all the memories that were made, I realize that it was all prep for my true love.

I started writing this on July 27th and now today August 17th, I return to finish. My feelings have changed, not for the worst but they have grown deeper. I still stand on the cusp of true happiness, ready to take a huge leap of faith in 7 days and I face it with mixed emotions. I'm very excited about being with the love of my life, starting our new life with our new family unit. But, there's a side of me that is sad about leaving behind everything I've grown to know, places I love to visit, people I've become attached to and love, I know the layout of the land and the surrounding towns, I've established relationships at the local bakery, the Mexican restaurant up the street makes my drinks just like I like them....strong, classmates, Cat lady across the street that I speak to and refuse to call Animal Control on, my mom, aunt, Tyrone, just familiarity. But, I LOVE my baby and my baby LOVES me, and like a moth to a flame, I am drawn to her, I have to be with her, she is my truth, my joy, my rock, my soft place to land, my everything.

Us meeting one another wasn't planned, I didn't go out looking for her, once I met her I never imagined things would progress as they did. But what I can tell you is this, I fell in love with her well before I heard her voice, long before I laid eyes on her face to face. Yeah, I've felt things for other people, but nothing like what I feel for her, I can't imagine life without her in it. When I'm with her it's ok for me to be me.....corny, goofy, anal, rigid at times, too sugary sweet, opinionated, giddy, hopeful, happy-go-lucky, constantly smiling, passionate, fighter of children, affectionate, loving, spacey and so on and so forth; it's easy to be me because I know that she loves me truly for who I am. How can I resist her charm and her sweet, sensual love???? The way she looks at me burns into my corneas and melts my soul, she looks at me like I'm this incredible beauty, like no one else matters but me. I wish everyone could experience what I have experienced with her, my goodness it's amazing.

You know, I spoke with her before I got on with this post because I was really feeling down and I just needed to hear her voice for comfort and reassurance, and she did that and more. I think it's normal for me be a bit sad and nostalgic after all, this is a HUGE move, a new chapter in my life; but I'm very confident this will be awesome for me, my son and my baby. I have a great outlook on life, I'm good with people, I always try to see the positive possibilities in every situation, I'm slow to anger and quick to reconcile, I always give people the benefit of the doubt, I'm not high strung and ready to blow things up because things aren't going my way, I think she will appreciate these qualities. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments when I'm moody and don't want to smile and I want to be pissy but it's all short lived.

I embrace the sadness that I feel but I refuse to let it overtake me; I'm standing on the cusp of happiness, there's no sad faces where I stand.

Living, learning, loving and laughing all the way to be with my baby!!!!

Uglyfirst

At Last

At last, my love has come along

My lonely days are over

And life is like a song

Oh, yeah, at last

The skies above are blue

My heart was wrapped up in clovers

The night I looked at you

I found a dream that I could speak to

A dream that I can call my own

I found a thrill to rest my cheek to

A thrill that I have never known

Oh, yeah when you smile, you smile

Oh, and then the spell was cast

And here we are in heaven

For you are mine

At last......

These lyrics sang by most notably Etta James speak to exactly how I feel when I think of her. Because truly, at last my dream has come true, the happiness I am experiencing at this point in my life is like none other. Of course I've had some very happy joyous moments in my life, the birth of both my children were moments of great joy and happiness. Pushing out those tiny lives don't compare to anything I've ever experienced, actually being pregnant was an amazing feeling as well.

So, several days have passed since I started this post, but I remember all too well where I was going with this. Although I haven't known the love of my life long, there is something I feel deep in my heart, something that feels right, something that tells me she's the one for me, the one that I've waited for and dreamed of and at last, we meet!

I can search through every dictionary, thesaurus, lexicons, through every language known to man and still fall short of expressing what my heart and soul feels for this woman, what she means to me, how she has quietly & suddenly impacted my life. Someone asked me today, "what makes her so special", my response, "you wouldn't believe me if I told you", what we have between us is magical, innate and goes beyond the human understanding. I'm at the point in my life I really don't care what others think or feel about my actions in my life......because it's my life and I intend to life it as I see fit. Too old to need validation from the masses, too mature to worry what is being said about me (that's none of my business anyway), let them wag their tongues, fuck'em, I'm happy!

So, what makes her so special, ha where do I begin???? She accepts me for who I am, she makes me feel like I can conquer any task, she speaks to my innermost desires, she quiets my soul and excites my heart, she makes love to my mind, indulges my whims and calls forth those things which lay dormant for years. With her I come alive, with her I thrive, with her I feel free to totally be me, in her presence I shine, she held the key to my sanctum and opened it and let the best feelings flow like a raging sea that turned into a calm babbling brook. How can I not be attracted to this woman, how can I acknowledge her and simply turn away as if she's commonplace in my life? When one sees a rainbow, do they not stop and look in awe and wonder? Why do people flock to see the Aurora Borealis year after year? When people find a four-leafed clover, do they not tell everyone? Why do people all around the world get excited and show up for a total solar eclipse? Much like those things, how can I not sing her praises to the masses????

I do believe it's in our human nature to desire happiness, acceptance, love and a peace of mind, when one finds those things, especially all at once, it is special and it should be celebrated. I'm quite content with my choice to share my life with this woman, because it fits me, she is the missing piece and I have truly waited all my life for her and she arrived.......at last. Here's a song I'm dedicating to my heart, by a dynamic artist. Enjoy!

My wish for those who wander onto my blog and read this entry is a peace of mind, joy in your heart and someone who loves you & you loving them back. As always, it's in love that I humbly submit this entry, while sharing laughter in the hopes that you learned something new as you continue to live your life.

UGLYFirst

Head Over Heels

Do you know that I dreamt of you?

Fantasizing about the love we would share.

Do you know that I dreamt of you?

Longing for your touch, for your kiss, for your smile.

Do you know that I dreamt of you?

Then one day I vocalized my dream

and many said I needed to keep on dreaming......

and I did!

Do you know I dreamt of you?

And one day, my dream came true.

Perfect is the love that we share,

Perfect is you for me and me for you.

Now I'm head over heels,

Yes, head over heels in love with you.

My dream has now materialized and is completely realized

My dream is love and love is you.

I no longer dream of you,

I don't have to anymore,

you have proven to be all I dreamed of and more.

Going Inside Myself

Daily I try to learn something, whether it is about the world in which I live, my community, about people, different things, others or myself. Last night, because I chose to take advice that turned out to be not so great advice, I potentially would've messed up my future with someone I deeply care for and love. I did not take my own advice, I took this person options away to choose and that was wrong. People always want an option, whether it goes in your favor or not. We all want to be able to have a choice in most, if not all matters of life, to be denied that right causes many different emotions.

In going through your daily life, try to think of others and their feelings and remember that everyone deserves a right to choose; even if their choice deletes you from their life. Like most things in life, you have to take that chance and hope for the best.

Today, I go inside myself, not to stay forever, but to linger for awhile to do some self-examining.......no self-loathing or self-bashing going on, just to do some maintenance work. I often go inside myself, knowing that I am far from perfect, but I daily strive for it, realizing it's a lofty pursuit that I will never acquire. Then, why do I strive for such???? I believe in my striving, it keeps me grounded and human. Sounds crazy, eh? Of course it does, but indulge me for a moment, there truly is a method to the madness, I'm not just mad. I am not one to think too highly of myself, I realize that in a twinkling of an eye my life can change. I don't put myself on a pedestal because I feel that I somehow am better than others because of my talents, education or personality. I keep myself grounded by the company I keep, the things that I do for others and my love of learning and gravitating towards others similar to myself. I am hard on myself, but at the same time I have my own back, it's no secret that I hold myself to a higher standard than I hold others. Not because I think I'm better, but I know my capacity to love and forgive, to restore others to grace & mercy, I don't hold grudges because it consumes those spaces that I need to fill with love, peace and happiness. I wonder why I decided to listen to someone else about what I should do in my life, that is so not like me. I'll admit, I don't take advice from others, for reasons I shall not disclose, but I took a chance and damn, wrong move.

Yesterday I posted a quote "Drowning people sometimes die fighting their rescuers." — Octavia E. Butler {Stop fighting against those who really mean us well, who honestly care & love us. It's those who are grimy & secretly hate us that we think have our best interest at heart. Take the blinders off and really see who you allow into your life.}


That right there!!!!!! When I post quotes, I mainly do it to encourage myself, if it touches others, then that's great. After last night and going through what I did with this special someone, my thoughts about that quote came back to me........just because a person is in your circle doesn't mean they're in your corner, some people secretly hate you, they want to see you fail, they stay close to see your relationships crumble,  they plot and scheme, throw rocks and hand their hands. They do this because they have low self-esteem, they aren't happy and don't want you to be happy, jealousy flows through their veins, hatred is their motivation. I've always said, "I don't have to put your light out so my light can shine, both of our lights can shine at the same time.", but apparently someone doesn't believe that and that's a pity.
 
Going inside myself, is a needed activity, I need to break up some ground and put up some weeds so when seeds are dropped into life, they will fall on fertile ground and grow. I hope to return a little wiser, smarter and more grounded, with a keen sense of self-awareness, loving myself a little bit better, being a better servant to others and being a better potential mate to that someone special (Muffin).
 
Until another time in space, take the time to live a little, laugh a lot, learn more and love with all your heart....

UGLYFirst

Happily Content

I am so happily content right now, in this very moment, in this very space in time. Contentment is such a wonderful affair, within it all my desires are fulfilled and sustained because I am content. My weekend has taken me to another level in time and space, I opened myself up to receive and was richly blessed. The conversation was phenomenal, the laughter was infectious, the kiss was soothing and the touch was like medicine to my soul. She was and is my dream personified! She, this woman miles and states away even before I saw her in the flesh had touched my heart, but spending time with her and experiencing new things, she pierced my soul and has left a lasting impression. I am so thankful that our paths finally crossed, knowing that it wasn't by chance or happenstance but it was indeed the right time and right place. What I felt and experienced was unlike anything I've ever experienced with another, all these years of holding back a part of myself, never knowing what it would be like to open up the dungeon that held my innermost feelings and the pleasures that most women experience. I now realize why I couldn't open the dungeon, because I didn't have the keys, all the other suitors didn't have the key, some tried to make a duplicate, but only the master key would work. What some would call cold, icy, mean, insouciant (OK, well none of the folk I know but myself would actually use that word, but they called me "nonchalant"), simply not caring for others feelings, but she calls me many other things because she has connected with my heart, frolicked with my mind and touched my soul and used that key and released another part of me.

When I think of her mind, this is what flows from my heart..........

Her mind is stimulating, captivating, sensual, sexual, playful and precise,

Refined, educated, elevated, aloof and reclusive at times,

baby I love your mind, I love your mind.

Militant, aware, cautious, precocious, unaffected,

helpful, hopeful, strong and resilient.

Nostalgic, wistful, pensive, debonair and at peace,

black power strong, black power all day long,

educating, relegating, always dropping knowledge.

Addictive, wholesome and true,

baby I love your mind, I love your mind!

What an awesome foundation to a last friendship and an incredible love affair! I can't wait to hear that Boston accent sprinkled with that New Jersey flair and that gorgeous smile as it mix and mingles in my inner ear and canals traveling to my brain....................you give such good eargasms!

Thank you guys for indulging me, I just had to get it out. I am soooooo freaking happy.............happily content!

As always, it is in love, laughter, living and learning that I share my ramblings, frustrations and happy times.

UGLYFirst

Stepping Out On Faith

Life is so funny, with all it's positions, the ups and downs, the left and right fields, the present, future and past. Sometimes it's so flipping predictable and other times it's like a tornado, things are so topsy-turvy, scary, disorganized chaos......yes, I believe in "organized" chaos; and in the midst of that tornado is an eye of calmness and peace. That is where I currently reside, in the eye of the storm, while life and it's circumstances are swirling around me, frantic, chaotic, so intensely insane. There I stand, in peace, happiness and solitude, totally unscathed by the bullshit that tries to suck me into it's grimy grips.

I choose happiness, joy and all the good things in life, because that's what I deserve. I totally reject negativity, hatred and aloofness, those things that keep us bound and sick. Don't get me wrong, I fully realize that troubles will come, but in the midst of those turbulent time, I desire strength, courage and wisdom to remain resilient and keep my focus on all things positive - knowing that tough times don't last but tough people do.

I am so ready to start showing others how to treat me and stop just going along with bullshit just to be nice & sweet. I'm tired of people finding fault in me to the point where they require me to become someone else, almost mirror them to make them feel comfortable around me. Get the fuck outta here, I'm tired of that bullshit!

Today, I throw caution into the winds of life and allow myself to feel and fall. I am so ready for love, ready to give all of me, forgetting my track record of yester-year because today is a new day. Has nothing to do with sex or the high of meeting someone new, but today I am doing something I've never done in my life. The walls are down, not denying any emotions, not trying to rationalize anything, not holding back anything, I'm not trying to run the show.......yes, the control freak has left the building! If someone were to ask if I believed in love at first sight, I'd say absolutely, just not for me. I also believe in "Soul mates" and believe that some are meant to be alone. I always believed I was meant to be alone but always dreamed of having love, being in love a long lasting love. Dreams do come true, I'm a firm believer in that, and today I'm walking into my destiny. No, while I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I plan on enjoying the here and the now; I will let tomorrow worry about itself.

Well, I need to end this post and get ready to meet my possible future...............butterflies and all.

Floating on a cloud, somewhere way over the rainbow......



A Day in the Life of A Gay Candy Striper

OK, so I am a frequent flyer of the Personal Ads, I read them from my city and state to other cites and states, just because sometimes I have free time and yeah, that's how I choose to use/waste it. A few days ago I ran across an ad that I found very interesting, I thought what the woman had to say was very sweet and simple, so I decided to respond.........as I often do. Now, I don't respond as in answering the ad but more so to offer encouragement and support. Whenever I do this, the people will write back and say thanks or tell me how their process is going, which is cool because I love interacting with people whether it's via Internet, email, phone and/or in person.

So, out of my spreading good cheer I met a really cool person. I worked up my nerve and called her Saturday and we stayed on the phone well over 3 hours, talking, laughing, sharing, listening and even learning. I felt so giddy, hell I felt like Charlie Bucket......."cause I've got a golden ticket, I've got a golden chance to make my way, and with a golden ticket it's a golden dayyyyyy". Yeah, after talking to her I wanted to break out in show tunes.......she left me on a natural high! The conversation was amazing, she's a very intelligent woman, well read and versed in African-American history and others things as well. She smart and educated but doesn't make it the focus of conversation, just laid back and easy-going with a great sense of humor.

When I wrote her, I didn't plan on anything to come of it, because I do this all the time. She wrote me back, which was normal and I responded the she wanted to know more about me. When we finally spoke on the phone she told me that she had called me "the gay Candy Striper", going about ads spreading good cheer and good luck. She said, "hey, what about you, you seem decent and interesting, lol"; I am so glad that I wrote her back and told her about me. It's amazing how things happen when you least expect them.

I had given up on "looking" for love, if true love was to come it would happen when I least expected it, because I wasn't looking anymore; I had resolved to finding and making friendships. The older I get the more I value friendships and understand the need for them. I want to create a very diverse friendship circle because it would be reflective of my life. I don't require a lot, I'm not a needy friend nor am I an abusive friend. You don't have to be at my beckon call to be my friend, you are so entitled and encouraged to have your own life. I don't have to be invited to everything you have and I won't have an attitude about being excluded. We don't have to talk all the time, every single day. You are free to have other friends with whom you share things with and not with me, I am very comfortable with who I am and our friendship bond. Even if we don't speak for months if you call me and need me to be a listening ear or need me to come, I'm there! I totally understand when you meet someone you might be scarce for awhile because you're getting to know your new love interest, I'm not going anywhere, I'll be right here living my own life an hoping the best for you.

Nonetheless, I am very excited about this woman and even more excited about what can be and what will be. You see, I am a Possibilitarian, I truly believe no matter what things look like, what I'm told they are, I believe that all things are possible. I have hope and faith that in the end things works out like they're predestined to be. Although things may not work out like I hope at times, I don't give u, I might take a little break and re-think my course of action but I never give up on my dreams, goals and inner desires.

"Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see possibilities – always see them, for they’re always there."

- Norman Vincent Peale

I had written this entry Saturday and clicked "Publish Post" and it was gone!!! But, I decided I would re-write it and I'm glad that I did. Wishing you all well in life, love, and friendships.

As always, it's in loving, learning, laughing and living that I write and end my post......

UglyFirst

My Bishop Speaking at 2011 Clergy Call For Justice & Equality

Bishop Yvette Flunder, The Fellowship

Let Me Count the Ways

I had to take a break from blogging and everything else. I was very upset about the my insurance ruling, I don't even know if I blogged about that, anyway, I basically had a "fuck it" attitude. Hadn't been to any meetings, hadn't read any material, I simply have placed all that shit on the back burner.

Soooo, let me catch up with everything that has transpired in my life: I'm happily single, I'm not in a rush to be in a relationship with anyone, still troubled with my addiction, have yet to talk to my mother about things that happened to me when I was growing up......probably never will. I really wish I could pack up and go to parts unknown and start my life over, my son can adapt very easily and so can I......which is a HUGE plus for me. I really need to prove to myself that I can make it on my own. Oh, I've already started thinking about my birthday and jotting down some ideas, I want to celebrate, I want to be around people that I honestly believe care about me and some who don't give a rat's ass (might as well keep it real with myself, lol). I don't trust anyone enough to plan a party or anything else for me because no one knows me well enough and if I want it done to my standards then I must do it myself and I'm so cool with it.

Today, I ran across the sweetest ad and I thought I'd share it:  

50 Reasons to Date Me - 36 (DC)

50 reasons to date me.

1. I'll love you eights days a week.

2. You will score more points if you get the reference to number one.

3. I'll always know when you need a hug.

4. I know the difference between your and you're.

5. I'll always be attentive and loving. . . except during March Madness.

6. i'll never cheat.

7. I'll only smoke my victory cigars on the porch.

8. I wont make you watch football with me.

9. My siblings are hilarious and my family is the equivalent of the white Jacksons.

10. I"l shut the door When I pee.

11. I'll make love to you all of the time and fuck you on occasion.

12. I'll wait up for you.

13. I'll cook you dinner but it's going to suck and probably be on a paper plate. I'll try though.

14. I'm an entrepreneur.

15. I'm OK with you stealing my hoodies on cold nights.

16. I have great stories from my Army days.

17. I'll warm up your car on cold mornings.

18. I'm a human space heater and fully expect your cold ass toes planted on me in the middle of the night.

19. I'm addicted to 30 Rock and The Office.

20. I'll pretend to like it when you drag me out shopping.

21. I'll kiss you goodbye every morning.

22. I'll thumb wrestle you in bed.

23. I'm a Cancer.

24. I'll fall asleep in your lap.

25. I'll always fight for you.

26. I'll love spooning you.

27. I'll wake you up in the middle of the night.

28. I'll send flowers to your office.

29. I'll need you to remind me of everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

30. I have a dangerous job that takes me away from you for months at a time and i'll need you to be OK with that.

32. I always give bums my spare change.

33. I will always be able to make you laugh.

34. I would rather be alone than be with the wrong woman.

35. I adore my parents.

36. I'll talk dirty to you in bed.

37. I don't have to fly a rainbow flag on my porch to know who I am.

38. I want kids.

39. I'll always take care of you when you're sick. (see the correct usage of the word you're!?)

40. I'm stubborn, but you will always be able to make me melt.

41. I'm 36 but look 28. I still get carded for booze and occasionally the movies.

42. I've spent a lot of days in places where only soldiers go and mankind has broken my heart many times. Sometimes it shows. You should be able to deal with that.

43. I wont be stinky too often.

44. I'll love it when you pick me up from the airport.

45. I don't look like a boy.

46. I don't use the words hym, boi or womyn and I think people who do are morons.

47. I'm not a snob unless you use the words hym, boi or womyn.

48. I'll use the corny joke I just heard in the office as an excuse to call you and say hello.

49. I'll let you put whatever you want in my Netflix que even if its a chick flick.

50. I could name more reasons why you want to date me, but at this point I want to hear 10 good reasons to date you!

~~~~You will be more likely to get a response if you attach a picture. I prefer FEMMES, no BBW~~~~

Six reasons I won't respond to you:

1. YoU hAvE eVeR wRiTteN sHiT lIke tHis oN pUrPose

2. you're a guy, you're a guy, you're a guy

3. you're a guy.

4. you're married, you're married, you're married.

5. You write in ALL CAPS

6. You send me a picture and that's all. Trust me you're not going to win me over with looks alone.

As I read through these 50 reasons I smiled, became a little misty-eyed, laughed, was reflective and hopeful. How sweet of the woman who wrote those 5 things and how lucky - perhaps the woman who will experience these 50 things.

I was thinking a few days ago after I hung up from a call, all anyone ever wants in life is to be accepted. Yes, we all could stabd to change some things in our lives & character, but at the end of the day we want for those close to us to look at us and smile because no matter what, they will always love and accept us for our true, fucked up authentic selves. Even I, the ice Queen herself desires to be loved, not for my outward exterior but for who I am on the inside. C'est le vie!

Peace & Light....

Coming Out of the Dark

Tonight I went to an NA (Narcotics Anonymous) meeting.........no, I'm not addicted to drugs but I wanted to gain some insight into "The Process". Nope, that's a lie, I was invited so I went, now that's the truth. I didn't really want to go the more I drove towards the meeting place. Once there I sat and listened and really had to think positive about all that I heard and in the midst of people sharing I was at peace......I'm so glad I went.

I know that I have to go easy on myself. People wanting to be a certain way, feel a certain way or whatever is their issues, not mine. I learned that it's ok to be truthful about how I really feel. Today I learned that my insurance won't pay for me to enter into a treatment center because I'm not addicted to drugs. That hurt me! Granted I was on the fence about going because I was scared and I voiced it often and loud. But not one soul could understand why I was relucant about going, they wanted me to be gung-ho about it, happy to leave everything and everyone behind for 30 days. "Oh, 30 days that's no big deal, that's no time at all" - yeah right, it's easy for them to say because it's not them! Most addicts, myself included are never eager to enter into treatment, most enter involuntary. My feelings were confirmed when I called the treatment center for some information and I began to discuss my fears and anxiety about it all. She said I was feeling that way because that's how I'm suppose to feel. Come again, "that's how you're suppose to feel, she said. Wow! Anyway, that news from my insurance provider rocked me to the core, I was dissappointed. Out of that dissappointment grew anxiety and I wanted to get my "fix" to make me feel better about the situation. Instead I cooked dinner, then went to the meeting.

I will visit again because I was left with a feeling of calmness and a little bit of hope that in time I'm going to be ok, one step at a time, one day at a time. I'm ending here because sleep has crept up on me.

And the beat goes on............

Depression Takes It's Toll

I've been meaning to blog for days now, not really having the energy to do so. At this point I'm depressed, it's taking everything within me to continue my daily life, the crying has become just too much for me, the feelings are overwhelming.........I'm just tired.

I'm tired of feeling crappy, tired of the tugging to seek out sex, tired of the racing thoughts of death & dying, just tired of being me. I want sex so bad even though I know how I'll feel afterwards and the "good" feeling won't last but for a moment, I just NEED it. I need something to take these feelings and pains away!

I find myself drinking and wanting to get high, I want to smoke something, pop a few pills, just do whatever I have to do to make me feel better. But becuase I'm such a nerd I can't even do that right. Where the hell do people even get drugs from......yeah, I know a dealer but how does one go about locating a dealer?

Anyway, I'm closer to deciding on a treatment facility to get myself some help. I've decided before I leave to go I'm going to have some last inute hardcore sex, drink all the alcohol I can stand and try a few drugs. It amazes me how my mind has gone off the damn cliff. It baffles me because I can't control the shit, then I question myself if I really want o control it. Hell I can barely blog for looking at porn and searching Craigslist.

OK, so I'm back, I feel awhole lot better, masturbation has a way of lifting my spirits........actually anything sex-related lifts my spirits. When I started blogging I felt terrible, tired, sluggish, sad and depressed but now I can smile and am ready to get out and live life..............I hope this high last at least 5 hours.

This is the insanity I face from day to day, a rollercoaster of emotions, mood-altering days and the crushing thoughts of disappearing into the abyss I created. I KNOW that I need help, I've been searching for help but the idea of it all scares me a little. Going somewhere for strangers to help me become someone sane and sober..........scared of who I will become when all the dust settles........will I like this new person...........what will become of my sex life..........my relations with others???? So many questions.

Well, I'm gonna end so I can get out in this nice weather and enjoy my high!

And the beat goes on and on and on..........

Today Was NOT A Good Day!

My goodness this addiction is so hard for me to deal with at times. I know that just because I confessed it to myself and to friends and in meetings doesn't mean it will magically become a lighter load.

Yesterday I really needed a friend, hell, I needed a listening ear and damn if I couldn't find it. But, surprisingly someone whom I would least expect listened and cared and even told me the "right" thing to do. The one person I depended on to listen to me didn't make herself available, that crushed me but this too shall pass.

I have been up for 2 days straight, the urges and cravings have made it quite difficult to function. I find that in stressful situations where uncertainty looms and anxiety and agitation become my closest friends my addiction goes into overdrive. I literally loathe conflict and adversity amongst me and others, I don't really know how to deal with it well and probably need to take some conflict resolution classes anyway to solve those feelings that are building inside of me I "act out", ie. search for sex, fuck, OD on porn, masturbate to the 10th degree.........anything that will provide for me a "high", a "relief", a temporary "fix" to make me comfortable with the stress at that moment.

OK, so this has taken me 3 days to write because my mind is going a 1000 miles per minute, I am an emotional roller coaster right now, notice I didn't say "I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster", hell I am the roller coaster and my feelings have become the cars on the track, up, down, looping, climbing high and rolling low, just a damn mess!

Tonight I went to another meeting, with different people and a different flow of the meeting; I actually enjoyed it. I had decided to see if I can find an Outpatient treatment center to help me conquer this monkey on my back, I just want to learn how to control the feelings, the yearning and the urges.

Something happened today that left me feeling like a cheap slut........no, I didn't"act out" but I did bend a lot when I should've been stronger and let my "no" mean "NO" and play with fire. Since I've decided I was going to get my behavior under control it has been pure hell for me and to have someone touch me in all the right places, saying all the right things and kissing in those special places made me extremely weak and fragile. While I didn't engage in sex, I did allow finger penetration and even simulated sexual positions w/grinding, all of which is a flipping no-no because I know what that does to me. It appears the person who was doing it to me knew what it was doing to me as well and that kinda sucks. But the buck still stops with me, I should've stood my ground and stay strong in my words and actions, now I'm irritated, agitated and anxious because I want, need, crave SEX!!!! I want it so bad I can taste it, I can smell it, I really really want to feel it.

I need to find a freaking outlet, something to do when these feelings, no before these feelings go into overdrive; something to redirect my focus and take the power away from that desire. But boy I sure would love to just touch some pussy, just a quick touch. Jeez! I'm going to bed nothing good can come from me wanting anything sexual.

Until next time,

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Pieces of Me, Will I Ever Be Whole?

It's been awhile since I've written anything, anywhere. So much has transpired in my life, some good, some bad, some just plain old indifferent. This morning I write because I have so much inside of me that I'm literally bursting at the seams.

Tonight I just made this revelation to myself, "I don't know how to truly be happy", now ain't that some shit. I post quotes on the daily and wow, I don't know how to be happy, embrace happiness, don't even know happiness when I see it; that's some fucked up shit. Why? Because I'm fucked up.

The reality that is my life is that I am rarely truly happiness and seldom satisfied, I bore easily and have to constantly stimulate my mind. To compensate for all this misery, I immerse myself into "things", i.e. church, bad relationships, meaningless sex, distructive behavior so on and so forth. I joined a church that I really enjoy, but at the same time, I try my best not to overindulge in the church. I have learned to be more transparent, so much so that I stood and confessed that I am a Sex Addict. That's right, my deep dark secret that I carry around......Sex Addict. It's a difficult addiction to have, especially being a woman, because society sees that as some glamorized thing. And we all know every man's dream is to come in contact with a "nympho".............yeah right!

Well, I started attending SAA meetings! I need them because I really want to "act out" in a real special way. I miss sex, hell, I miss who I once was as a person. I didn't think it would be a huge deal but it is, it saddens me to know that I'm loosing that person. I'm not special anymore, I'm like regular women, plain and boring. I miss hot sex, crazy sex, angry sex, "sex just for the hell of it" sex. I miss the high I got from it, I miss how it made me feel.......I felt so strong, confident, determined, at ease, like a Superwoman who could conquer anything. But, after it's all said and done, I felt aweful, pitiful, like I wasted my time, just low, I hated myself and I hated those who allowed me to use & abuse them.

I met this women whom I really like and adore, surprisingly, we have not had sex. She's a real cool, down to earth, Spiritual woman, we enjoy one another's company, she even asked if she could "court" me........who does that shit, right. Welp, we've been courting and hanging tight, still no sex, but there was this time there was some "heavy petting" (I sound like someone from the damn 30's.). She turns me on sexually, I enjoy her company, there are somethings that I don't really care for but no one is perfect. We even pray together every morning, yeah, I said pray and you know what I like it. I like the fact that she attends church on a regular basis, she reads her bible and even studies for Sunday School, just that fact alone get's her a few stars. Sounds great doesn't it? Then why in the hell am I not happy? I'm happy on the surface and sometimes I feel happiness in my heart & soul but overall I'm not happy.

I'm one of those people who can't be happy because I stand in my own way. Yes, I am my own worse enemy, I and I alone stand in the way of my personal happiness. She wants to make me her girlfriend and I just can't, my goodness I need more time, what's the rush, why the hurry??? If it's for sex, hell, I can easily have meaningless sex but I'm trying my best not to do that anymore. The bottom line is this 8 weeks is just too soon, it's too soon for me as a sex addict, it's too soon for me as someone who's learning to transparent, hell it's just too soon period! Yeah, things are good now, but things often change when a title is put on shit and I'm not down for that foolishness. Perhaps I have "relationship phobia", if there is such a thing. If it's not broken then leave it alone, we're so good "courting", I can embrace the courting thing, the girlfriend thing scares me. Listen, I have NEVER been afraid of sex, but I cringed at the idea of us "doing it", I somehow feel it will forever change everything and the truth is it will. Damn! I always manage to get myself into a freaking corner of some sort.

As much as I desire companionship, I can just as easily go without it. It's easier, no one to hurt, no explaining, no complaining, no hurt feelings, no apologies to be passed out just nothing! Well, just as sugar sugar is sweet and shit stank, I met this woman and the ball started rolling. Now mind you, I still live with my ex, yeah you read right, my ex. I helped her create an ad to meet someone new because obviously she needs to get over me. I've dated in front of her, we've had the best of times and the worst of times, towards the end of the relationship.........I started cheating. There were some days when we go at it like sworn enemies, cursing and fussing each other out, slamming doors, rolling eyes, crying only to do it all over again another day. But baby when it came to the sex, oooweeeee, especially after the fact, that was some of the best sex we ever had, it was sensual, passionate, raw and very fulfilling. Which left me............confused, at best baffled. Why could this sex not be like this when we were together???? Was it because I had sworn never to touch her crazy ass again or was it because I was just horny and yeah, you'll do in a pinch???

I am in the process of mourning the loss of that relationship and all it meant to me. Me, Miss "Hard To the Core" feeling nostalgic, Miss "Get Over It" experiencing emotions, it's foreign but I'm embracing the loss and moving on and in that I wish her all the best life has to offer, may she find someone better than me to love and return that love.

In the grand scheme of things, I truly believe that some people belong alone.......not lonely, but by themselves. I often grow weary of others over time and then there are some I loose interest in very quickly. I have a restlessness inside of me that I can't calm down, I can't quite understand or grasp, but I know that it's there, always laying below the surface. It scares me because if I can't figure out what it is, why it's here and how to get rid of it, I doubt I'll ever be truly happy first with myself then with others.

And the beat goes on..........I will continue to attend SAA meetings because I need the help, I will remain faithful to my church because I love the preaching, teaching and atomosphere. About the new person in my life, I will continue to take it one day at a time because there simply is no need to rush.

Until next time......live more, laugh more, learn more and love more!

When You Know Better, You Do Better

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.   ~Albert Einstein

Wow, so that's been my problem for 2010, I was insane, huh? In fact, it appears that I've been insane for a number of years because I've been mindlessly doing the same damn thing and hoping against hope that different things in my life would "change". The good Book says, "Faith without works is dead" so one can basically have all the faith in the world and it won't mean a thing if they don't do something to make that faith come alive. I can't sit on my ass and expect things to change in my situation if I'm not willing to get up and do something to help my situation. Change for some can be very daunting because of so many things in their lives, you could have a fear of change because of past failures, childhood issues, peers and lack of moral support and many more reasons.

Ofttimes when we are pushed beyond our comfort zones, we learn so much more about ourselves and gain a greater prospective about things in life. I've learned to adjust to being pushed beyond my comfort zone, it usually takes me awhile to come around, but it happens within time. This "rut" or vicious cycle of insanity that I find myself in is borne of fear and self-punishment, but starting 2011, it all stops. It has to stop because I have so many things to do, so many people to meet, love to be conquered and given and exploring lands here and abroad.

I am working hard at developing decent adult relationships, it's so easy for me to have friends but I can easily dismiss them from my life. I have a HUGE problem dealing with adults.......don't get me wrong, I work well with others and things of that nature, but I don't trust adults, I can only let them in so much. Which makes love a rough road to tread, unfortunately; with limited trust, love does not come easy. It's hard falling for someone to only realize they have their own agenda in play and to hell with your wants and desires. Now, I totally understand there has to be compromise, I'm in fact all for compromise. I realize that it's not going to always be my way, I don't have those unrealistic expectations. It happens where only one person gets the majority of what they want, which means their parents gets whatever and to me, that's not a happy, healthy and wholesome relationship, that's some bullshit......been there done that.

It's my hope that as I discover more about myself on my lifes' journey, I can take chances in love as well as in life. I can embrace change fully, not only when it suites my situation. I might get hurt along the way, but you know what, so what, I'll be fine, at least I got in the game rather than sit on the sidelines. Which brings me back around full circle to the opening quote, I can't keep doing the same things and expecting different results, that's insane.

This year, I have to force myself to leap into life, not without direction or common sense, but live without fear. If I want this year to be different I have do things differently. I have to change my way of thinking and the way I see the world around me. I'm sure some won't be happy with my changes or the way I choose to live my life and that's ok.....we all are entitled to feel the way we feel. (Much like Noxeema Jackson said, "Approval neither desired nor required", lol, I love that quote!)

So, as I sit here when I clearly should be asleep, I am renewed and excited about what lies ahead. Living life to the fullest, right now, excites me and fills me with such joy. Just the thought that my future can be my present gives me hope, I'm not getting any younger and why should I put off things until the future, tomorrow is promised to no one. I know some things take planning and it's all about timing. But for me to put off love and happiness until I'm financially more stable sounds like some of my all bullshit, I'm just keeping it real. That love thang, I'll blog about that at a later date!

Anyway, I found some "life lessons" that I wanted to share:

10 Amazing Lessons from Albert Einstein:1.Follow Your Curiosity

“I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.”

What piques your curiosity? I am curious as to what causes one person to succeed while another person fails; this is why I’ve spent years studying success. What are you most curious about? The pursuit of your curiosity is the secret to your success.


2.Perseverance is Priceless

“It's not that I'm so smart; it's just that I stay with problems longer.”

Through perseverance the turtle reached the ark. Are you willing to persevere until you get to your intended destination? They say the entire value of the postage stamp consist in its ability to stick to something until it gets there. Be like the postage stamp; finish the race that you’ve started!


3.Focus on the Present


“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”

My father always says you cannot ride two horses at the same time. I like to say, you can do anything, but not everything. Learn to be present where you are; give your all to whatever you’re currently doing.

Focused energy is power, and it’s the difference between success and failure.


4.The Imagination is Powerful


“Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions. Imagination is more important than knowledge.”

Are you using your imagination daily? Einstein said the imagination is more important than knowledge! Your imagination pre-plays your future. Einstein went on to say, “The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge, but imagination.” Are you exercising your “imagination muscles” daily, don’t let something as powerful as your imagination lie dormant.


5.Make Mistakes

“A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.”

Never be afraid of making a mistake. A mistake is not a failure. Mistakes can make you better, smarter and faster, if you utilize them properly. Discover the power of making mistakes. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, if you want to succeed, triple the amount of mistakes that you make.


6.Live in the Moment


“I never think of the future - it comes soon enough.”

The only way to properly address your future is to be as present as possible “in the present.”

You cannot “presently” change yesterday or tomorrow, so it’s of supreme importance that you dedicate all of your efforts to “right now.” It’s the only time that matters, it’s the only time there is.


7.Create Value

“Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value."

Don’t waste your time trying to be successful, spend your time creating value. If you’re valuable, then you will attract success.

Discover the talents and gifts that you possess, learn how to offer those talents and gifts in a way that most benefits others.

Labor to be valuable and success will chase you down.


8. Don’t Expect Different Results


“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

You can’t keep doing the same thing everyday and expect different results. In other words, you can’t keep doing the same workout routine and expect to look differently. In order for your life to change, you must change, to the degree that you change your actions and your thinking is to the degree that your life will change.


9.Knowledge Comes From Experience


“Information is not knowledge. The only source of knowledge is experience.”

Knowledge comes from experience. You can discuss a task, but discussion will only give you a philosophical understanding of it; you must experience the task first hand to “know it.” What’s the lesson? Get experience! Don’t spend your time hiding behind speculative information, go out there and do it, and you will have gained priceless knowledge.


10.Learn the Rules and Then Play Better


“You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.”

To put it all in simple terms, there are two things that you must do. The first thing you must do is to learn the rules of the game that you’re playing. It doesn’t sound exciting, but it’s vital. Secondly, you must commit to play the game better than anyone else. If you can do these two things, success will be yours!

Thank you for reading and be sure to pass this article along!

Have the best New Year that you can imagine for yourself!

As always it's in LOVE that I wrote this entry, remembering to always LAUGH as I pursue eternal happiness as I  LIVE and LEARN life long lessons!

~UGLYFirst