It's been awhile since I've written anything, anywhere. So much has transpired in my life, some good, some bad, some just plain old indifferent. This morning I write because I have so much inside of me that I'm literally bursting at the seams.
Tonight I just made this revelation to myself, "I don't know how to truly be happy", now ain't that some shit. I post quotes on the daily and wow, I don't know how to be happy, embrace happiness, don't even know happiness when I see it; that's some fucked up shit. Why? Because I'm fucked up.
The reality that is my life is that I am rarely truly happiness and seldom satisfied, I bore easily and have to constantly stimulate my mind. To compensate for all this misery, I immerse myself into "things", i.e. church, bad relationships, meaningless sex, distructive behavior so on and so forth. I joined a church that I really enjoy, but at the same time, I try my best not to overindulge in the church. I have learned to be more transparent, so much so that I stood and confessed that I am a Sex Addict. That's right, my deep dark secret that I carry around......Sex Addict. It's a difficult addiction to have, especially being a woman, because society sees that as some glamorized thing. And we all know every man's dream is to come in contact with a "nympho".............yeah right!
Well, I started attending SAA meetings! I need them because I really want to "act out" in a real special way. I miss sex, hell, I miss who I once was as a person. I didn't think it would be a huge deal but it is, it saddens me to know that I'm loosing that person. I'm not special anymore, I'm like regular women, plain and boring. I miss hot sex, crazy sex, angry sex, "sex just for the hell of it" sex. I miss the high I got from it, I miss how it made me feel.......I felt so strong, confident, determined, at ease, like a Superwoman who could conquer anything. But, after it's all said and done, I felt aweful, pitiful, like I wasted my time, just low, I hated myself and I hated those who allowed me to use & abuse them.
I met this women whom I really like and adore, surprisingly, we have not had sex. She's a real cool, down to earth, Spiritual woman, we enjoy one another's company, she even asked if she could "court" me........who does that shit, right. Welp, we've been courting and hanging tight, still no sex, but there was this time there was some "heavy petting" (I sound like someone from the damn 30's.). She turns me on sexually, I enjoy her company, there are somethings that I don't really care for but no one is perfect. We even pray together every morning, yeah, I said pray and you know what I like it. I like the fact that she attends church on a regular basis, she reads her bible and even studies for Sunday School, just that fact alone get's her a few stars. Sounds great doesn't it? Then why in the hell am I not happy? I'm happy on the surface and sometimes I feel happiness in my heart & soul but overall I'm not happy.
I'm one of those people who can't be happy because I stand in my own way. Yes, I am my own worse enemy, I and I alone stand in the way of my personal happiness. She wants to make me her girlfriend and I just can't, my goodness I need more time, what's the rush, why the hurry??? If it's for sex, hell, I can easily have meaningless sex but I'm trying my best not to do that anymore. The bottom line is this 8 weeks is just too soon, it's too soon for me as a sex addict, it's too soon for me as someone who's learning to transparent, hell it's just too soon period! Yeah, things are good now, but things often change when a title is put on shit and I'm not down for that foolishness. Perhaps I have "relationship phobia", if there is such a thing. If it's not broken then leave it alone, we're so good "courting", I can embrace the courting thing, the girlfriend thing scares me. Listen, I have NEVER been afraid of sex, but I cringed at the idea of us "doing it", I somehow feel it will forever change everything and the truth is it will. Damn! I always manage to get myself into a freaking corner of some sort.
As much as I desire companionship, I can just as easily go without it. It's easier, no one to hurt, no explaining, no complaining, no hurt feelings, no apologies to be passed out just nothing! Well, just as sugar sugar is sweet and shit stank, I met this woman and the ball started rolling. Now mind you, I still live with my ex, yeah you read right, my ex. I helped her create an ad to meet someone new because obviously she needs to get over me. I've dated in front of her, we've had the best of times and the worst of times, towards the end of the relationship.........I started cheating. There were some days when we go at it like sworn enemies, cursing and fussing each other out, slamming doors, rolling eyes, crying only to do it all over again another day. But baby when it came to the sex, oooweeeee, especially after the fact, that was some of the best sex we ever had, it was sensual, passionate, raw and very fulfilling. Which left me............confused, at best baffled. Why could this sex not be like this when we were together???? Was it because I had sworn never to touch her crazy ass again or was it because I was just horny and yeah, you'll do in a pinch???
I am in the process of mourning the loss of that relationship and all it meant to me. Me, Miss "Hard To the Core" feeling nostalgic, Miss "Get Over It" experiencing emotions, it's foreign but I'm embracing the loss and moving on and in that I wish her all the best life has to offer, may she find someone better than me to love and return that love.
In the grand scheme of things, I truly believe that some people belong alone.......not lonely, but by themselves. I often grow weary of others over time and then there are some I loose interest in very quickly. I have a restlessness inside of me that I can't calm down, I can't quite understand or grasp, but I know that it's there, always laying below the surface. It scares me because if I can't figure out what it is, why it's here and how to get rid of it, I doubt I'll ever be truly happy first with myself then with others.
And the beat goes on..........I will continue to attend SAA meetings because I need the help, I will remain faithful to my church because I love the preaching, teaching and atomosphere. About the new person in my life, I will continue to take it one day at a time because there simply is no need to rush.
Until next time......live more, laugh more, learn more and love more!
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