My goodness this addiction is so hard for me to deal with at times. I know that just because I confessed it to myself and to friends and in meetings doesn't mean it will magically become a lighter load.
Yesterday I really needed a friend, hell, I needed a listening ear and damn if I couldn't find it. But, surprisingly someone whom I would least expect listened and cared and even told me the "right" thing to do. The one person I depended on to listen to me didn't make herself available, that crushed me but this too shall pass.
I have been up for 2 days straight, the urges and cravings have made it quite difficult to function. I find that in stressful situations where uncertainty looms and anxiety and agitation become my closest friends my addiction goes into overdrive. I literally loathe conflict and adversity amongst me and others, I don't really know how to deal with it well and probably need to take some conflict resolution classes anyway to solve those feelings that are building inside of me I "act out", ie. search for sex, fuck, OD on porn, masturbate to the 10th degree.........anything that will provide for me a "high", a "relief", a temporary "fix" to make me comfortable with the stress at that moment.
OK, so this has taken me 3 days to write because my mind is going a 1000 miles per minute, I am an emotional roller coaster right now, notice I didn't say "I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster", hell I am the roller coaster and my feelings have become the cars on the track, up, down, looping, climbing high and rolling low, just a damn mess!
Tonight I went to another meeting, with different people and a different flow of the meeting; I actually enjoyed it. I had decided to see if I can find an Outpatient treatment center to help me conquer this monkey on my back, I just want to learn how to control the feelings, the yearning and the urges.
Something happened today that left me feeling like a cheap slut........no, I didn't"act out" but I did bend a lot when I should've been stronger and let my "no" mean "NO" and play with fire. Since I've decided I was going to get my behavior under control it has been pure hell for me and to have someone touch me in all the right places, saying all the right things and kissing in those special places made me extremely weak and fragile. While I didn't engage in sex, I did allow finger penetration and even simulated sexual positions w/grinding, all of which is a flipping no-no because I know what that does to me. It appears the person who was doing it to me knew what it was doing to me as well and that kinda sucks. But the buck still stops with me, I should've stood my ground and stay strong in my words and actions, now I'm irritated, agitated and anxious because I want, need, crave SEX!!!! I want it so bad I can taste it, I can smell it, I really really want to feel it.
I need to find a freaking outlet, something to do when these feelings, no before these feelings go into overdrive; something to redirect my focus and take the power away from that desire. But boy I sure would love to just touch some pussy, just a quick touch. Jeez! I'm going to bed nothing good can come from me wanting anything sexual.
Until next time,
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
No comments:
Post a Comment