Coming Out of the Dark

Tonight I went to an NA (Narcotics Anonymous) meeting.........no, I'm not addicted to drugs but I wanted to gain some insight into "The Process". Nope, that's a lie, I was invited so I went, now that's the truth. I didn't really want to go the more I drove towards the meeting place. Once there I sat and listened and really had to think positive about all that I heard and in the midst of people sharing I was at peace......I'm so glad I went.

I know that I have to go easy on myself. People wanting to be a certain way, feel a certain way or whatever is their issues, not mine. I learned that it's ok to be truthful about how I really feel. Today I learned that my insurance won't pay for me to enter into a treatment center because I'm not addicted to drugs. That hurt me! Granted I was on the fence about going because I was scared and I voiced it often and loud. But not one soul could understand why I was relucant about going, they wanted me to be gung-ho about it, happy to leave everything and everyone behind for 30 days. "Oh, 30 days that's no big deal, that's no time at all" - yeah right, it's easy for them to say because it's not them! Most addicts, myself included are never eager to enter into treatment, most enter involuntary. My feelings were confirmed when I called the treatment center for some information and I began to discuss my fears and anxiety about it all. She said I was feeling that way because that's how I'm suppose to feel. Come again, "that's how you're suppose to feel, she said. Wow! Anyway, that news from my insurance provider rocked me to the core, I was dissappointed. Out of that dissappointment grew anxiety and I wanted to get my "fix" to make me feel better about the situation. Instead I cooked dinner, then went to the meeting.

I will visit again because I was left with a feeling of calmness and a little bit of hope that in time I'm going to be ok, one step at a time, one day at a time. I'm ending here because sleep has crept up on me.

And the beat goes on............

Depression Takes It's Toll

I've been meaning to blog for days now, not really having the energy to do so. At this point I'm depressed, it's taking everything within me to continue my daily life, the crying has become just too much for me, the feelings are overwhelming.........I'm just tired.

I'm tired of feeling crappy, tired of the tugging to seek out sex, tired of the racing thoughts of death & dying, just tired of being me. I want sex so bad even though I know how I'll feel afterwards and the "good" feeling won't last but for a moment, I just NEED it. I need something to take these feelings and pains away!

I find myself drinking and wanting to get high, I want to smoke something, pop a few pills, just do whatever I have to do to make me feel better. But becuase I'm such a nerd I can't even do that right. Where the hell do people even get drugs from......yeah, I know a dealer but how does one go about locating a dealer?

Anyway, I'm closer to deciding on a treatment facility to get myself some help. I've decided before I leave to go I'm going to have some last inute hardcore sex, drink all the alcohol I can stand and try a few drugs. It amazes me how my mind has gone off the damn cliff. It baffles me because I can't control the shit, then I question myself if I really want o control it. Hell I can barely blog for looking at porn and searching Craigslist.

OK, so I'm back, I feel awhole lot better, masturbation has a way of lifting my spirits........actually anything sex-related lifts my spirits. When I started blogging I felt terrible, tired, sluggish, sad and depressed but now I can smile and am ready to get out and live life..............I hope this high last at least 5 hours.

This is the insanity I face from day to day, a rollercoaster of emotions, mood-altering days and the crushing thoughts of disappearing into the abyss I created. I KNOW that I need help, I've been searching for help but the idea of it all scares me a little. Going somewhere for strangers to help me become someone sane and sober..........scared of who I will become when all the dust settles........will I like this new person...........what will become of my sex life..........my relations with others???? So many questions.

Well, I'm gonna end so I can get out in this nice weather and enjoy my high!

And the beat goes on and on and on..........