Coming Out of the Dark

Tonight I went to an NA (Narcotics Anonymous) meeting.........no, I'm not addicted to drugs but I wanted to gain some insight into "The Process". Nope, that's a lie, I was invited so I went, now that's the truth. I didn't really want to go the more I drove towards the meeting place. Once there I sat and listened and really had to think positive about all that I heard and in the midst of people sharing I was at peace......I'm so glad I went.

I know that I have to go easy on myself. People wanting to be a certain way, feel a certain way or whatever is their issues, not mine. I learned that it's ok to be truthful about how I really feel. Today I learned that my insurance won't pay for me to enter into a treatment center because I'm not addicted to drugs. That hurt me! Granted I was on the fence about going because I was scared and I voiced it often and loud. But not one soul could understand why I was relucant about going, they wanted me to be gung-ho about it, happy to leave everything and everyone behind for 30 days. "Oh, 30 days that's no big deal, that's no time at all" - yeah right, it's easy for them to say because it's not them! Most addicts, myself included are never eager to enter into treatment, most enter involuntary. My feelings were confirmed when I called the treatment center for some information and I began to discuss my fears and anxiety about it all. She said I was feeling that way because that's how I'm suppose to feel. Come again, "that's how you're suppose to feel, she said. Wow! Anyway, that news from my insurance provider rocked me to the core, I was dissappointed. Out of that dissappointment grew anxiety and I wanted to get my "fix" to make me feel better about the situation. Instead I cooked dinner, then went to the meeting.

I will visit again because I was left with a feeling of calmness and a little bit of hope that in time I'm going to be ok, one step at a time, one day at a time. I'm ending here because sleep has crept up on me.

And the beat goes on............