Depression Takes It's Toll

I've been meaning to blog for days now, not really having the energy to do so. At this point I'm depressed, it's taking everything within me to continue my daily life, the crying has become just too much for me, the feelings are overwhelming.........I'm just tired.

I'm tired of feeling crappy, tired of the tugging to seek out sex, tired of the racing thoughts of death & dying, just tired of being me. I want sex so bad even though I know how I'll feel afterwards and the "good" feeling won't last but for a moment, I just NEED it. I need something to take these feelings and pains away!

I find myself drinking and wanting to get high, I want to smoke something, pop a few pills, just do whatever I have to do to make me feel better. But becuase I'm such a nerd I can't even do that right. Where the hell do people even get drugs from......yeah, I know a dealer but how does one go about locating a dealer?

Anyway, I'm closer to deciding on a treatment facility to get myself some help. I've decided before I leave to go I'm going to have some last inute hardcore sex, drink all the alcohol I can stand and try a few drugs. It amazes me how my mind has gone off the damn cliff. It baffles me because I can't control the shit, then I question myself if I really want o control it. Hell I can barely blog for looking at porn and searching Craigslist.

OK, so I'm back, I feel awhole lot better, masturbation has a way of lifting my spirits........actually anything sex-related lifts my spirits. When I started blogging I felt terrible, tired, sluggish, sad and depressed but now I can smile and am ready to get out and live life..............I hope this high last at least 5 hours.

This is the insanity I face from day to day, a rollercoaster of emotions, mood-altering days and the crushing thoughts of disappearing into the abyss I created. I KNOW that I need help, I've been searching for help but the idea of it all scares me a little. Going somewhere for strangers to help me become someone sane and sober..........scared of who I will become when all the dust settles........will I like this new person...........what will become of my sex life..........my relations with others???? So many questions.

Well, I'm gonna end so I can get out in this nice weather and enjoy my high!

And the beat goes on and on and on..........