Why Am I So Mean?

Ugh! I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, honestly I don't! I have found the older I get, the lower my tolerance level falls for bullshit. I honestly believe I need it get a tested because I have become allergic to certain strains of shit, different strains causes different reactions, some just causes me to break out into hives; while others literally causes me to outright become enraged, there's simply no other way of putting it. When people come with that stupefied, "are you for real" eye-twitching bullshit that they themselves are having a hard-time believing, that's when I become enraged and want to rip them a new asshole! I am trying so hard in this New Year not to subscribe to people's idiotic bullshit and I have decreed a resolution I am thus-ly (yeah, I know, not a word) including this idea in my philosophy of forgiveness.

To include this into my philosophy of forgiveness is HUGE for me, super-duper HUGE! In saying this, I should tell you about my philosophy on forgiveness, so you all can understand where I'm coming from. {However, I will have to save and finish this tomorrow, for I fear my meds have kicked in and I am no longer in control of the typing but the pills are,}
Oh, ok, I'm back! Whew, sleep is the best thing ever! I gotta tell ya, the best medicine one can take for all that ails the soul.

Now, to my philosophy on forgiveness, hold on tight 'cause you're probably not going to believe this, but this is how I govern my life, it might not work for you, but it works for me and helps me sleep better at night. The things that most women would leave a mate for, I normally would not, i.e. cheating, lying, etc.

• Cheating: For most women they say, "oh the relationship would be over if I caught my girl cheating on me". Now for me, I wouldn't end the relationship, I first would have to ask myself and her "why" and that's something most people don't ask. Most partners never ask that question because nine times out of ten they already know the answer.  

Written January 19, 2010, uhhh, not sure why I didn't finish this post, but I didn't. I'm not going to try and finish it because I don't know where my mind was and if I added to it now it wouldn't be the same. Damn, I was mean in January???? Of course I was, I'm always mean who am I kidding, lol. I have to be mean because people take my kindness & sweetness and try to play me, so often I have to put my foot down and show these people that I'm not naive and someone to toy with

What A..........

What a differance a nap can make! Woozers! I'm feeling so much better! I think I'm just really tired, that's why I have been in a really foul mood. I went to my endocrinlogist and he said he wasn't sure the surgeon put me on the right dosage of thyroid hormone replacement after my total thyroidectomy. So, that's why it's so important that I take my medicine daily, which I so eloquently screwed up by taking myself off that medicine for 2 months. Needless to say, I learned that I can't do that because if I don't take my medicine, I eventually die, plain and simple.

I didn't fully understand what the thyroid did for the body, heck, I really still don't understand. All I know is this, for years I was ALWAYS cold, I wore sweaters year 'round, I don't like air conditioners, they are a waste of energy why not use the fresh air that the good Lord has provided for the world......that's my philosophy. I also never had enery, but I always pushed myself, I'm a busy person, I NEVER slow down because I ALWAYS have things to do, I'm always on some committee or volunteering or at some workshop. When I slow down and sleep, I SLEEP!

I'm not going to go into how I found out I have an issue with my thyroid and how serious it was with the surgery, because I think I may have covered it (if I haven't I will, because I think it's important for people to know signs).

Written on Febuary 5, 2010.

Well, here I am early Christmas morning, cooking, baking, facebooking and drinking! I hadn't a clue as to what I'm blogging about nor do I have a title, but hey I'm not worried, I learned a long time ago not to sweat the small stuff! So, i'm back 2 days later and I now have something to talk about, lol.

It has always been a desire of mine to move to another city and start over again. But every darn time, that old pesky love got in the way! Gosh!!! See, while I believe you can have a successful LDR, most others don't and they are generally very verbal about this fact. Well, here we go again, I feel that old familiar tugging at my soul, spirit and heart to strike out and go be.........somewhere else. You know, people do it all the time, they just gather up their belongings and get. Sounds great, but I'm a planner for certain things, if it were just a vacation I wouldn't have to have a plan, but we're talking about my possible entire life, gotta be more responsible. So, I've been researching jobs and living expenses, etc, because I'm too old, ok strike that, never too old, I have a kid that's depending on me to make things right and somewhat comfortable. *Notice I didn't say "easy", I believe not everything should be easy for children, it doesn't prepare them for real life if everything has been easy in life for them.

I've learned how to adapt to any situation, I think thats a really good skill to master. I wasn't always like that, I loathed change of any kind, but I had to force myself to deal with change, because if I didnt it would stunt my growth and I could miss out on a lot of really cool things being paralzyed by fear and anxiety.

Written December 25, 2010, no title, perhaps I was tired and a wee bit tipsy.

Riddle Me This

I was reading the Q Notes today and noticed something quite disturbing, there's ALWAYS stuff for gay men, geared towards gay men, mountian retreats for them, travels for them but never anything for lesbians. Why is that????

Written January 2, 2011

Layers

I am a femme lesbian, however, there are so many layers to me it makes it's kinda hard to fit neatly into such a small box. I enjoy wearing make-up and looking flirty, although I don't have a very feminine walk. I'm the kinda woman who doesn't mind doing the "dirty work", I can pump my own gas, change a tire, change my own oil, take the trash out and cut the grass. I love my breast and push-up bras that make my breast look like plump melons. I love wearing heels, although they hurt like hell but they define the muscles in my legs and look good as I stroll by. I enjoy spraying perfume on my pressure points so smells of me can linger while I'm long gone. I'm sweet, witty and smart, I have a great personality, and a sassy side to boot.

This was written on January 12, 2011, I can't finish it because I don't know where I was headed in this post.

I Want To Scream!

I want to scream!

I feel great sadness and sorrow at times.

I feel so alone at times.

Not trusting anyone or anything!

People say and do things purely for their gain,

Never once wanting to acknowledge my pain.

How do I find that which makes my heart sing?

When all I feel is people's sting!

I love you, you're cute, you're the one for me,

that's cute and all but what about how I feel.

They reach, grab and take

Use, abuse and confuse but insist

I'm what you need.

Oh I play their game,

For as long as I can fake it.

Then I come to a point,

Where I can no longer take it!

You're mean, you're hateful,

You goddamn ice queen!

I want! I want! I want! they say

I can't! I can't! I can't! I scream

They don't listen, they don't care!

Just open your legs they say, 

Let me take you to heaven.

Ugh, I can't wait for this to be over,

Why do I always end up in Hell?

No one understands where my true happiness lies,

It damn sure isn't between my thighs!

Just because I enjoy good sex,

Please believe I am far more complex!

No one takes the time to really get to know me,

Only exploring the outer realms

Too afraid to go deeper

Because "girl, you too damn controlling".

Of course I'm going to resist you

You running amok in my head

I feel if you really want me

You're willing to go all out and put the time in.

No one bothers,

No one really cares!

As long as they get a piece

They're content without having it all.

All of me, why not take all of me?

Why settle for the body,

The pussy, tongue and fingers,

And not the entire package?

So here I sit,

Sad, alone and desired.

So many desire,

But none willing to conquer.

Now ain't that some bullshit!

I want to scream!

I wrote this back on Feb. 21, 2011, for whatever reason I didn't click the "Publish Post" button, so it sat in my dashboard like many other post. Sometimes I write out of frustration, sadness, sorrow, happiness and sheer boredom, there's always something going on in my mind and in my life. I don't know if I was dating during that time or what was going on, but re-reading this "poem" (I guess that was what I was aiming for) I could sense sadness. It's the same thing it has been for years, everyone enjoys the sexual side of me, they like me when they first meet me but when I no longer want to continue on the course then I'm not so nice to them or compliant, but they still want the sex. I loose interest in people fast or become bored because they do nothing to hold my interest. There HAS to be more than sex as a foundation because when the sex is stale because you only know 1 move and expect me to work miracles my mind is already gone. 'Tis true, I enjoy good sex and love great sex, yea, I know a lot of "tricks" but damn bring something to the table, tickle my fancy, make me laugh, be cool with exploring new things outside of sex, damn at least watch the news so we can have some sort of conversation about something. Truth be known, I can and usually do have some incredible "self-loving" sessions, I romance myself, I light candles, have soft music or music according to my mood playing, sometimes I have nice hot bathes or showers and a glass of wine; so you see technically those who were pursuing me hadn't even risen up to the level I treat myself.

I truly believe most people think as long as they're bringing the sex that I will be satisfied and happy and want to be with them forever. There is more to capturing a woman than making her body feel good, uhhhh, the biggest sex organ is the brain. Usually the last thing thought of but it would've been the first thing intrigued and tickled. With me, sex is always going to come into play but it's oh soooo much better when I've been mentally stimulated, rarely do I get the mental stimulation. I'm trying to think how often it's happened and to be honest I can say only once, ok to be fair 1.5 times. If you engage the whole person, you don't have to worry if that person is cheating, how long they'll stick around or if there's thoughts of straying, those things will be moot points because you have managed to do what others rarely do. That person will be loving, devoted, respectful, always showing pure admiration towards you, as long as you don't abuse your position with them and the sex, baby, the sex will be amazing......well, it would be if you were with me, tee hee.

I'm glad I made it out of those dark times in my life unscathed, still willing to love, welcoming love and overall the same nice considerate person. OH, don't get it twisted, there are many dark times that followed, bad choices in people but I still survived and I will always survive.

Ahhh, living, loving, laughing and forever learning!

UGLYFirst

Standing On the Cusp of True Happiness

As I stand on the cusp of true happiness, I momentarily glance back at my past; a past filled with highs and lows, good times and bad. I use to look back in regret but no longer because the happiness I feel today causes me appreciate those past times. I appreciate all that I experienced because those rises and falls shaped me into the woman that I am today. All those people whom I allowed into my life, I forgive them for the hurt they caused and I forgive myself for the hurt I caused them. I own my part in every scenario, whether they own their part is on them, whether they trash me or not, it's none of my business what they think or feel about me. I don't regret having been in their lives, I don't regret all the memories that were made, I realize that it was all prep for my true love.

I started writing this on July 27th and now today August 17th, I return to finish. My feelings have changed, not for the worst but they have grown deeper. I still stand on the cusp of true happiness, ready to take a huge leap of faith in 7 days and I face it with mixed emotions. I'm very excited about being with the love of my life, starting our new life with our new family unit. But, there's a side of me that is sad about leaving behind everything I've grown to know, places I love to visit, people I've become attached to and love, I know the layout of the land and the surrounding towns, I've established relationships at the local bakery, the Mexican restaurant up the street makes my drinks just like I like them....strong, classmates, Cat lady across the street that I speak to and refuse to call Animal Control on, my mom, aunt, Tyrone, just familiarity. But, I LOVE my baby and my baby LOVES me, and like a moth to a flame, I am drawn to her, I have to be with her, she is my truth, my joy, my rock, my soft place to land, my everything.

Us meeting one another wasn't planned, I didn't go out looking for her, once I met her I never imagined things would progress as they did. But what I can tell you is this, I fell in love with her well before I heard her voice, long before I laid eyes on her face to face. Yeah, I've felt things for other people, but nothing like what I feel for her, I can't imagine life without her in it. When I'm with her it's ok for me to be me.....corny, goofy, anal, rigid at times, too sugary sweet, opinionated, giddy, hopeful, happy-go-lucky, constantly smiling, passionate, fighter of children, affectionate, loving, spacey and so on and so forth; it's easy to be me because I know that she loves me truly for who I am. How can I resist her charm and her sweet, sensual love???? The way she looks at me burns into my corneas and melts my soul, she looks at me like I'm this incredible beauty, like no one else matters but me. I wish everyone could experience what I have experienced with her, my goodness it's amazing.

You know, I spoke with her before I got on with this post because I was really feeling down and I just needed to hear her voice for comfort and reassurance, and she did that and more. I think it's normal for me be a bit sad and nostalgic after all, this is a HUGE move, a new chapter in my life; but I'm very confident this will be awesome for me, my son and my baby. I have a great outlook on life, I'm good with people, I always try to see the positive possibilities in every situation, I'm slow to anger and quick to reconcile, I always give people the benefit of the doubt, I'm not high strung and ready to blow things up because things aren't going my way, I think she will appreciate these qualities. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments when I'm moody and don't want to smile and I want to be pissy but it's all short lived.

I embrace the sadness that I feel but I refuse to let it overtake me; I'm standing on the cusp of happiness, there's no sad faces where I stand.

Living, learning, loving and laughing all the way to be with my baby!!!!

Uglyfirst