I Want To Scream!

I want to scream!

I feel great sadness and sorrow at times.

I feel so alone at times.

Not trusting anyone or anything!

People say and do things purely for their gain,

Never once wanting to acknowledge my pain.

How do I find that which makes my heart sing?

When all I feel is people's sting!

I love you, you're cute, you're the one for me,

that's cute and all but what about how I feel.

They reach, grab and take

Use, abuse and confuse but insist

I'm what you need.

Oh I play their game,

For as long as I can fake it.

Then I come to a point,

Where I can no longer take it!

You're mean, you're hateful,

You goddamn ice queen!

I want! I want! I want! they say

I can't! I can't! I can't! I scream

They don't listen, they don't care!

Just open your legs they say, 

Let me take you to heaven.

Ugh, I can't wait for this to be over,

Why do I always end up in Hell?

No one understands where my true happiness lies,

It damn sure isn't between my thighs!

Just because I enjoy good sex,

Please believe I am far more complex!

No one takes the time to really get to know me,

Only exploring the outer realms

Too afraid to go deeper

Because "girl, you too damn controlling".

Of course I'm going to resist you

You running amok in my head

I feel if you really want me

You're willing to go all out and put the time in.

No one bothers,

No one really cares!

As long as they get a piece

They're content without having it all.

All of me, why not take all of me?

Why settle for the body,

The pussy, tongue and fingers,

And not the entire package?

So here I sit,

Sad, alone and desired.

So many desire,

But none willing to conquer.

Now ain't that some bullshit!

I want to scream!

I wrote this back on Feb. 21, 2011, for whatever reason I didn't click the "Publish Post" button, so it sat in my dashboard like many other post. Sometimes I write out of frustration, sadness, sorrow, happiness and sheer boredom, there's always something going on in my mind and in my life. I don't know if I was dating during that time or what was going on, but re-reading this "poem" (I guess that was what I was aiming for) I could sense sadness. It's the same thing it has been for years, everyone enjoys the sexual side of me, they like me when they first meet me but when I no longer want to continue on the course then I'm not so nice to them or compliant, but they still want the sex. I loose interest in people fast or become bored because they do nothing to hold my interest. There HAS to be more than sex as a foundation because when the sex is stale because you only know 1 move and expect me to work miracles my mind is already gone. 'Tis true, I enjoy good sex and love great sex, yea, I know a lot of "tricks" but damn bring something to the table, tickle my fancy, make me laugh, be cool with exploring new things outside of sex, damn at least watch the news so we can have some sort of conversation about something. Truth be known, I can and usually do have some incredible "self-loving" sessions, I romance myself, I light candles, have soft music or music according to my mood playing, sometimes I have nice hot bathes or showers and a glass of wine; so you see technically those who were pursuing me hadn't even risen up to the level I treat myself.

I truly believe most people think as long as they're bringing the sex that I will be satisfied and happy and want to be with them forever. There is more to capturing a woman than making her body feel good, uhhhh, the biggest sex organ is the brain. Usually the last thing thought of but it would've been the first thing intrigued and tickled. With me, sex is always going to come into play but it's oh soooo much better when I've been mentally stimulated, rarely do I get the mental stimulation. I'm trying to think how often it's happened and to be honest I can say only once, ok to be fair 1.5 times. If you engage the whole person, you don't have to worry if that person is cheating, how long they'll stick around or if there's thoughts of straying, those things will be moot points because you have managed to do what others rarely do. That person will be loving, devoted, respectful, always showing pure admiration towards you, as long as you don't abuse your position with them and the sex, baby, the sex will be amazing......well, it would be if you were with me, tee hee.

I'm glad I made it out of those dark times in my life unscathed, still willing to love, welcoming love and overall the same nice considerate person. OH, don't get it twisted, there are many dark times that followed, bad choices in people but I still survived and I will always survive.

Ahhh, living, loving, laughing and forever learning!

UGLYFirst