As I stand on the cusp of true happiness, I momentarily glance back at my past; a past filled with highs and lows, good times and bad. I use to look back in regret but no longer because the happiness I feel today causes me appreciate those past times. I appreciate all that I experienced because those rises and falls shaped me into the woman that I am today. All those people whom I allowed into my life, I forgive them for the hurt they caused and I forgive myself for the hurt I caused them. I own my part in every scenario, whether they own their part is on them, whether they trash me or not, it's none of my business what they think or feel about me. I don't regret having been in their lives, I don't regret all the memories that were made, I realize that it was all prep for my true love.
I started writing this on July 27th and now today August 17th, I return to finish. My feelings have changed, not for the worst but they have grown deeper. I still stand on the cusp of true happiness, ready to take a huge leap of faith in 7 days and I face it with mixed emotions. I'm very excited about being with the love of my life, starting our new life with our new family unit. But, there's a side of me that is sad about leaving behind everything I've grown to know, places I love to visit, people I've become attached to and love, I know the layout of the land and the surrounding towns, I've established relationships at the local bakery, the Mexican restaurant up the street makes my drinks just like I like them....strong, classmates, Cat lady across the street that I speak to and refuse to call Animal Control on, my mom, aunt, Tyrone, just familiarity. But, I LOVE my baby and my baby LOVES me, and like a moth to a flame, I am drawn to her, I have to be with her, she is my truth, my joy, my rock, my soft place to land, my everything.
Us meeting one another wasn't planned, I didn't go out looking for her, once I met her I never imagined things would progress as they did. But what I can tell you is this, I fell in love with her well before I heard her voice, long before I laid eyes on her face to face. Yeah, I've felt things for other people, but nothing like what I feel for her, I can't imagine life without her in it. When I'm with her it's ok for me to be me.....corny, goofy, anal, rigid at times, too sugary sweet, opinionated, giddy, hopeful, happy-go-lucky, constantly smiling, passionate, fighter of children, affectionate, loving, spacey and so on and so forth; it's easy to be me because I know that she loves me truly for who I am. How can I resist her charm and her sweet, sensual love???? The way she looks at me burns into my corneas and melts my soul, she looks at me like I'm this incredible beauty, like no one else matters but me. I wish everyone could experience what I have experienced with her, my goodness it's amazing.
You know, I spoke with her before I got on with this post because I was really feeling down and I just needed to hear her voice for comfort and reassurance, and she did that and more. I think it's normal for me be a bit sad and nostalgic after all, this is a HUGE move, a new chapter in my life; but I'm very confident this will be awesome for me, my son and my baby. I have a great outlook on life, I'm good with people, I always try to see the positive possibilities in every situation, I'm slow to anger and quick to reconcile, I always give people the benefit of the doubt, I'm not high strung and ready to blow things up because things aren't going my way, I think she will appreciate these qualities. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments when I'm moody and don't want to smile and I want to be pissy but it's all short lived.
I embrace the sadness that I feel but I refuse to let it overtake me; I'm standing on the cusp of happiness, there's no sad faces where I stand.
Living, learning, loving and laughing all the way to be with my baby!!!!
Uglyfirst
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