Today Was NOT A Good Day!

My goodness this addiction is so hard for me to deal with at times. I know that just because I confessed it to myself and to friends and in meetings doesn't mean it will magically become a lighter load.

Yesterday I really needed a friend, hell, I needed a listening ear and damn if I couldn't find it. But, surprisingly someone whom I would least expect listened and cared and even told me the "right" thing to do. The one person I depended on to listen to me didn't make herself available, that crushed me but this too shall pass.

I have been up for 2 days straight, the urges and cravings have made it quite difficult to function. I find that in stressful situations where uncertainty looms and anxiety and agitation become my closest friends my addiction goes into overdrive. I literally loathe conflict and adversity amongst me and others, I don't really know how to deal with it well and probably need to take some conflict resolution classes anyway to solve those feelings that are building inside of me I "act out", ie. search for sex, fuck, OD on porn, masturbate to the 10th degree.........anything that will provide for me a "high", a "relief", a temporary "fix" to make me comfortable with the stress at that moment.

OK, so this has taken me 3 days to write because my mind is going a 1000 miles per minute, I am an emotional roller coaster right now, notice I didn't say "I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster", hell I am the roller coaster and my feelings have become the cars on the track, up, down, looping, climbing high and rolling low, just a damn mess!

Tonight I went to another meeting, with different people and a different flow of the meeting; I actually enjoyed it. I had decided to see if I can find an Outpatient treatment center to help me conquer this monkey on my back, I just want to learn how to control the feelings, the yearning and the urges.

Something happened today that left me feeling like a cheap slut........no, I didn't"act out" but I did bend a lot when I should've been stronger and let my "no" mean "NO" and play with fire. Since I've decided I was going to get my behavior under control it has been pure hell for me and to have someone touch me in all the right places, saying all the right things and kissing in those special places made me extremely weak and fragile. While I didn't engage in sex, I did allow finger penetration and even simulated sexual positions w/grinding, all of which is a flipping no-no because I know what that does to me. It appears the person who was doing it to me knew what it was doing to me as well and that kinda sucks. But the buck still stops with me, I should've stood my ground and stay strong in my words and actions, now I'm irritated, agitated and anxious because I want, need, crave SEX!!!! I want it so bad I can taste it, I can smell it, I really really want to feel it.

I need to find a freaking outlet, something to do when these feelings, no before these feelings go into overdrive; something to redirect my focus and take the power away from that desire. But boy I sure would love to just touch some pussy, just a quick touch. Jeez! I'm going to bed nothing good can come from me wanting anything sexual.

Until next time,

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Pieces of Me, Will I Ever Be Whole?

It's been awhile since I've written anything, anywhere. So much has transpired in my life, some good, some bad, some just plain old indifferent. This morning I write because I have so much inside of me that I'm literally bursting at the seams.

Tonight I just made this revelation to myself, "I don't know how to truly be happy", now ain't that some shit. I post quotes on the daily and wow, I don't know how to be happy, embrace happiness, don't even know happiness when I see it; that's some fucked up shit. Why? Because I'm fucked up.

The reality that is my life is that I am rarely truly happiness and seldom satisfied, I bore easily and have to constantly stimulate my mind. To compensate for all this misery, I immerse myself into "things", i.e. church, bad relationships, meaningless sex, distructive behavior so on and so forth. I joined a church that I really enjoy, but at the same time, I try my best not to overindulge in the church. I have learned to be more transparent, so much so that I stood and confessed that I am a Sex Addict. That's right, my deep dark secret that I carry around......Sex Addict. It's a difficult addiction to have, especially being a woman, because society sees that as some glamorized thing. And we all know every man's dream is to come in contact with a "nympho".............yeah right!

Well, I started attending SAA meetings! I need them because I really want to "act out" in a real special way. I miss sex, hell, I miss who I once was as a person. I didn't think it would be a huge deal but it is, it saddens me to know that I'm loosing that person. I'm not special anymore, I'm like regular women, plain and boring. I miss hot sex, crazy sex, angry sex, "sex just for the hell of it" sex. I miss the high I got from it, I miss how it made me feel.......I felt so strong, confident, determined, at ease, like a Superwoman who could conquer anything. But, after it's all said and done, I felt aweful, pitiful, like I wasted my time, just low, I hated myself and I hated those who allowed me to use & abuse them.

I met this women whom I really like and adore, surprisingly, we have not had sex. She's a real cool, down to earth, Spiritual woman, we enjoy one another's company, she even asked if she could "court" me........who does that shit, right. Welp, we've been courting and hanging tight, still no sex, but there was this time there was some "heavy petting" (I sound like someone from the damn 30's.). She turns me on sexually, I enjoy her company, there are somethings that I don't really care for but no one is perfect. We even pray together every morning, yeah, I said pray and you know what I like it. I like the fact that she attends church on a regular basis, she reads her bible and even studies for Sunday School, just that fact alone get's her a few stars. Sounds great doesn't it? Then why in the hell am I not happy? I'm happy on the surface and sometimes I feel happiness in my heart & soul but overall I'm not happy.

I'm one of those people who can't be happy because I stand in my own way. Yes, I am my own worse enemy, I and I alone stand in the way of my personal happiness. She wants to make me her girlfriend and I just can't, my goodness I need more time, what's the rush, why the hurry??? If it's for sex, hell, I can easily have meaningless sex but I'm trying my best not to do that anymore. The bottom line is this 8 weeks is just too soon, it's too soon for me as a sex addict, it's too soon for me as someone who's learning to transparent, hell it's just too soon period! Yeah, things are good now, but things often change when a title is put on shit and I'm not down for that foolishness. Perhaps I have "relationship phobia", if there is such a thing. If it's not broken then leave it alone, we're so good "courting", I can embrace the courting thing, the girlfriend thing scares me. Listen, I have NEVER been afraid of sex, but I cringed at the idea of us "doing it", I somehow feel it will forever change everything and the truth is it will. Damn! I always manage to get myself into a freaking corner of some sort.

As much as I desire companionship, I can just as easily go without it. It's easier, no one to hurt, no explaining, no complaining, no hurt feelings, no apologies to be passed out just nothing! Well, just as sugar sugar is sweet and shit stank, I met this woman and the ball started rolling. Now mind you, I still live with my ex, yeah you read right, my ex. I helped her create an ad to meet someone new because obviously she needs to get over me. I've dated in front of her, we've had the best of times and the worst of times, towards the end of the relationship.........I started cheating. There were some days when we go at it like sworn enemies, cursing and fussing each other out, slamming doors, rolling eyes, crying only to do it all over again another day. But baby when it came to the sex, oooweeeee, especially after the fact, that was some of the best sex we ever had, it was sensual, passionate, raw and very fulfilling. Which left me............confused, at best baffled. Why could this sex not be like this when we were together???? Was it because I had sworn never to touch her crazy ass again or was it because I was just horny and yeah, you'll do in a pinch???

I am in the process of mourning the loss of that relationship and all it meant to me. Me, Miss "Hard To the Core" feeling nostalgic, Miss "Get Over It" experiencing emotions, it's foreign but I'm embracing the loss and moving on and in that I wish her all the best life has to offer, may she find someone better than me to love and return that love.

In the grand scheme of things, I truly believe that some people belong alone.......not lonely, but by themselves. I often grow weary of others over time and then there are some I loose interest in very quickly. I have a restlessness inside of me that I can't calm down, I can't quite understand or grasp, but I know that it's there, always laying below the surface. It scares me because if I can't figure out what it is, why it's here and how to get rid of it, I doubt I'll ever be truly happy first with myself then with others.

And the beat goes on..........I will continue to attend SAA meetings because I need the help, I will remain faithful to my church because I love the preaching, teaching and atomosphere. About the new person in my life, I will continue to take it one day at a time because there simply is no need to rush.

Until next time......live more, laugh more, learn more and love more!