Going Inside Myself

Daily I try to learn something, whether it is about the world in which I live, my community, about people, different things, others or myself. Last night, because I chose to take advice that turned out to be not so great advice, I potentially would've messed up my future with someone I deeply care for and love. I did not take my own advice, I took this person options away to choose and that was wrong. People always want an option, whether it goes in your favor or not. We all want to be able to have a choice in most, if not all matters of life, to be denied that right causes many different emotions.

In going through your daily life, try to think of others and their feelings and remember that everyone deserves a right to choose; even if their choice deletes you from their life. Like most things in life, you have to take that chance and hope for the best.

Today, I go inside myself, not to stay forever, but to linger for awhile to do some self-examining.......no self-loathing or self-bashing going on, just to do some maintenance work. I often go inside myself, knowing that I am far from perfect, but I daily strive for it, realizing it's a lofty pursuit that I will never acquire. Then, why do I strive for such???? I believe in my striving, it keeps me grounded and human. Sounds crazy, eh? Of course it does, but indulge me for a moment, there truly is a method to the madness, I'm not just mad. I am not one to think too highly of myself, I realize that in a twinkling of an eye my life can change. I don't put myself on a pedestal because I feel that I somehow am better than others because of my talents, education or personality. I keep myself grounded by the company I keep, the things that I do for others and my love of learning and gravitating towards others similar to myself. I am hard on myself, but at the same time I have my own back, it's no secret that I hold myself to a higher standard than I hold others. Not because I think I'm better, but I know my capacity to love and forgive, to restore others to grace & mercy, I don't hold grudges because it consumes those spaces that I need to fill with love, peace and happiness. I wonder why I decided to listen to someone else about what I should do in my life, that is so not like me. I'll admit, I don't take advice from others, for reasons I shall not disclose, but I took a chance and damn, wrong move.

Yesterday I posted a quote "Drowning people sometimes die fighting their rescuers." — Octavia E. Butler {Stop fighting against those who really mean us well, who honestly care & love us. It's those who are grimy & secretly hate us that we think have our best interest at heart. Take the blinders off and really see who you allow into your life.}


That right there!!!!!! When I post quotes, I mainly do it to encourage myself, if it touches others, then that's great. After last night and going through what I did with this special someone, my thoughts about that quote came back to me........just because a person is in your circle doesn't mean they're in your corner, some people secretly hate you, they want to see you fail, they stay close to see your relationships crumble,  they plot and scheme, throw rocks and hand their hands. They do this because they have low self-esteem, they aren't happy and don't want you to be happy, jealousy flows through their veins, hatred is their motivation. I've always said, "I don't have to put your light out so my light can shine, both of our lights can shine at the same time.", but apparently someone doesn't believe that and that's a pity.
 
Going inside myself, is a needed activity, I need to break up some ground and put up some weeds so when seeds are dropped into life, they will fall on fertile ground and grow. I hope to return a little wiser, smarter and more grounded, with a keen sense of self-awareness, loving myself a little bit better, being a better servant to others and being a better potential mate to that someone special (Muffin).
 
Until another time in space, take the time to live a little, laugh a lot, learn more and love with all your heart....

UGLYFirst

Happily Content

I am so happily content right now, in this very moment, in this very space in time. Contentment is such a wonderful affair, within it all my desires are fulfilled and sustained because I am content. My weekend has taken me to another level in time and space, I opened myself up to receive and was richly blessed. The conversation was phenomenal, the laughter was infectious, the kiss was soothing and the touch was like medicine to my soul. She was and is my dream personified! She, this woman miles and states away even before I saw her in the flesh had touched my heart, but spending time with her and experiencing new things, she pierced my soul and has left a lasting impression. I am so thankful that our paths finally crossed, knowing that it wasn't by chance or happenstance but it was indeed the right time and right place. What I felt and experienced was unlike anything I've ever experienced with another, all these years of holding back a part of myself, never knowing what it would be like to open up the dungeon that held my innermost feelings and the pleasures that most women experience. I now realize why I couldn't open the dungeon, because I didn't have the keys, all the other suitors didn't have the key, some tried to make a duplicate, but only the master key would work. What some would call cold, icy, mean, insouciant (OK, well none of the folk I know but myself would actually use that word, but they called me "nonchalant"), simply not caring for others feelings, but she calls me many other things because she has connected with my heart, frolicked with my mind and touched my soul and used that key and released another part of me.

When I think of her mind, this is what flows from my heart..........

Her mind is stimulating, captivating, sensual, sexual, playful and precise,

Refined, educated, elevated, aloof and reclusive at times,

baby I love your mind, I love your mind.

Militant, aware, cautious, precocious, unaffected,

helpful, hopeful, strong and resilient.

Nostalgic, wistful, pensive, debonair and at peace,

black power strong, black power all day long,

educating, relegating, always dropping knowledge.

Addictive, wholesome and true,

baby I love your mind, I love your mind!

What an awesome foundation to a last friendship and an incredible love affair! I can't wait to hear that Boston accent sprinkled with that New Jersey flair and that gorgeous smile as it mix and mingles in my inner ear and canals traveling to my brain....................you give such good eargasms!

Thank you guys for indulging me, I just had to get it out. I am soooooo freaking happy.............happily content!

As always, it is in love, laughter, living and learning that I share my ramblings, frustrations and happy times.

UGLYFirst

Stepping Out On Faith

Life is so funny, with all it's positions, the ups and downs, the left and right fields, the present, future and past. Sometimes it's so flipping predictable and other times it's like a tornado, things are so topsy-turvy, scary, disorganized chaos......yes, I believe in "organized" chaos; and in the midst of that tornado is an eye of calmness and peace. That is where I currently reside, in the eye of the storm, while life and it's circumstances are swirling around me, frantic, chaotic, so intensely insane. There I stand, in peace, happiness and solitude, totally unscathed by the bullshit that tries to suck me into it's grimy grips.

I choose happiness, joy and all the good things in life, because that's what I deserve. I totally reject negativity, hatred and aloofness, those things that keep us bound and sick. Don't get me wrong, I fully realize that troubles will come, but in the midst of those turbulent time, I desire strength, courage and wisdom to remain resilient and keep my focus on all things positive - knowing that tough times don't last but tough people do.

I am so ready to start showing others how to treat me and stop just going along with bullshit just to be nice & sweet. I'm tired of people finding fault in me to the point where they require me to become someone else, almost mirror them to make them feel comfortable around me. Get the fuck outta here, I'm tired of that bullshit!

Today, I throw caution into the winds of life and allow myself to feel and fall. I am so ready for love, ready to give all of me, forgetting my track record of yester-year because today is a new day. Has nothing to do with sex or the high of meeting someone new, but today I am doing something I've never done in my life. The walls are down, not denying any emotions, not trying to rationalize anything, not holding back anything, I'm not trying to run the show.......yes, the control freak has left the building! If someone were to ask if I believed in love at first sight, I'd say absolutely, just not for me. I also believe in "Soul mates" and believe that some are meant to be alone. I always believed I was meant to be alone but always dreamed of having love, being in love a long lasting love. Dreams do come true, I'm a firm believer in that, and today I'm walking into my destiny. No, while I don't know what tomorrow will bring, I plan on enjoying the here and the now; I will let tomorrow worry about itself.

Well, I need to end this post and get ready to meet my possible future...............butterflies and all.

Floating on a cloud, somewhere way over the rainbow......



A Day in the Life of A Gay Candy Striper

OK, so I am a frequent flyer of the Personal Ads, I read them from my city and state to other cites and states, just because sometimes I have free time and yeah, that's how I choose to use/waste it. A few days ago I ran across an ad that I found very interesting, I thought what the woman had to say was very sweet and simple, so I decided to respond.........as I often do. Now, I don't respond as in answering the ad but more so to offer encouragement and support. Whenever I do this, the people will write back and say thanks or tell me how their process is going, which is cool because I love interacting with people whether it's via Internet, email, phone and/or in person.

So, out of my spreading good cheer I met a really cool person. I worked up my nerve and called her Saturday and we stayed on the phone well over 3 hours, talking, laughing, sharing, listening and even learning. I felt so giddy, hell I felt like Charlie Bucket......."cause I've got a golden ticket, I've got a golden chance to make my way, and with a golden ticket it's a golden dayyyyyy". Yeah, after talking to her I wanted to break out in show tunes.......she left me on a natural high! The conversation was amazing, she's a very intelligent woman, well read and versed in African-American history and others things as well. She smart and educated but doesn't make it the focus of conversation, just laid back and easy-going with a great sense of humor.

When I wrote her, I didn't plan on anything to come of it, because I do this all the time. She wrote me back, which was normal and I responded the she wanted to know more about me. When we finally spoke on the phone she told me that she had called me "the gay Candy Striper", going about ads spreading good cheer and good luck. She said, "hey, what about you, you seem decent and interesting, lol"; I am so glad that I wrote her back and told her about me. It's amazing how things happen when you least expect them.

I had given up on "looking" for love, if true love was to come it would happen when I least expected it, because I wasn't looking anymore; I had resolved to finding and making friendships. The older I get the more I value friendships and understand the need for them. I want to create a very diverse friendship circle because it would be reflective of my life. I don't require a lot, I'm not a needy friend nor am I an abusive friend. You don't have to be at my beckon call to be my friend, you are so entitled and encouraged to have your own life. I don't have to be invited to everything you have and I won't have an attitude about being excluded. We don't have to talk all the time, every single day. You are free to have other friends with whom you share things with and not with me, I am very comfortable with who I am and our friendship bond. Even if we don't speak for months if you call me and need me to be a listening ear or need me to come, I'm there! I totally understand when you meet someone you might be scarce for awhile because you're getting to know your new love interest, I'm not going anywhere, I'll be right here living my own life an hoping the best for you.

Nonetheless, I am very excited about this woman and even more excited about what can be and what will be. You see, I am a Possibilitarian, I truly believe no matter what things look like, what I'm told they are, I believe that all things are possible. I have hope and faith that in the end things works out like they're predestined to be. Although things may not work out like I hope at times, I don't give u, I might take a little break and re-think my course of action but I never give up on my dreams, goals and inner desires.

"Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see possibilities – always see them, for they’re always there."

- Norman Vincent Peale

I had written this entry Saturday and clicked "Publish Post" and it was gone!!! But, I decided I would re-write it and I'm glad that I did. Wishing you all well in life, love, and friendships.

As always, it's in loving, learning, laughing and living that I write and end my post......

UglyFirst

My Bishop Speaking at 2011 Clergy Call For Justice & Equality

Bishop Yvette Flunder, The Fellowship

Let Me Count the Ways

I had to take a break from blogging and everything else. I was very upset about the my insurance ruling, I don't even know if I blogged about that, anyway, I basically had a "fuck it" attitude. Hadn't been to any meetings, hadn't read any material, I simply have placed all that shit on the back burner.

Soooo, let me catch up with everything that has transpired in my life: I'm happily single, I'm not in a rush to be in a relationship with anyone, still troubled with my addiction, have yet to talk to my mother about things that happened to me when I was growing up......probably never will. I really wish I could pack up and go to parts unknown and start my life over, my son can adapt very easily and so can I......which is a HUGE plus for me. I really need to prove to myself that I can make it on my own. Oh, I've already started thinking about my birthday and jotting down some ideas, I want to celebrate, I want to be around people that I honestly believe care about me and some who don't give a rat's ass (might as well keep it real with myself, lol). I don't trust anyone enough to plan a party or anything else for me because no one knows me well enough and if I want it done to my standards then I must do it myself and I'm so cool with it.

Today, I ran across the sweetest ad and I thought I'd share it:  

50 Reasons to Date Me - 36 (DC)

50 reasons to date me.

1. I'll love you eights days a week.

2. You will score more points if you get the reference to number one.

3. I'll always know when you need a hug.

4. I know the difference between your and you're.

5. I'll always be attentive and loving. . . except during March Madness.

6. i'll never cheat.

7. I'll only smoke my victory cigars on the porch.

8. I wont make you watch football with me.

9. My siblings are hilarious and my family is the equivalent of the white Jacksons.

10. I"l shut the door When I pee.

11. I'll make love to you all of the time and fuck you on occasion.

12. I'll wait up for you.

13. I'll cook you dinner but it's going to suck and probably be on a paper plate. I'll try though.

14. I'm an entrepreneur.

15. I'm OK with you stealing my hoodies on cold nights.

16. I have great stories from my Army days.

17. I'll warm up your car on cold mornings.

18. I'm a human space heater and fully expect your cold ass toes planted on me in the middle of the night.

19. I'm addicted to 30 Rock and The Office.

20. I'll pretend to like it when you drag me out shopping.

21. I'll kiss you goodbye every morning.

22. I'll thumb wrestle you in bed.

23. I'm a Cancer.

24. I'll fall asleep in your lap.

25. I'll always fight for you.

26. I'll love spooning you.

27. I'll wake you up in the middle of the night.

28. I'll send flowers to your office.

29. I'll need you to remind me of everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

30. I have a dangerous job that takes me away from you for months at a time and i'll need you to be OK with that.

32. I always give bums my spare change.

33. I will always be able to make you laugh.

34. I would rather be alone than be with the wrong woman.

35. I adore my parents.

36. I'll talk dirty to you in bed.

37. I don't have to fly a rainbow flag on my porch to know who I am.

38. I want kids.

39. I'll always take care of you when you're sick. (see the correct usage of the word you're!?)

40. I'm stubborn, but you will always be able to make me melt.

41. I'm 36 but look 28. I still get carded for booze and occasionally the movies.

42. I've spent a lot of days in places where only soldiers go and mankind has broken my heart many times. Sometimes it shows. You should be able to deal with that.

43. I wont be stinky too often.

44. I'll love it when you pick me up from the airport.

45. I don't look like a boy.

46. I don't use the words hym, boi or womyn and I think people who do are morons.

47. I'm not a snob unless you use the words hym, boi or womyn.

48. I'll use the corny joke I just heard in the office as an excuse to call you and say hello.

49. I'll let you put whatever you want in my Netflix que even if its a chick flick.

50. I could name more reasons why you want to date me, but at this point I want to hear 10 good reasons to date you!

~~~~You will be more likely to get a response if you attach a picture. I prefer FEMMES, no BBW~~~~

Six reasons I won't respond to you:

1. YoU hAvE eVeR wRiTteN sHiT lIke tHis oN pUrPose

2. you're a guy, you're a guy, you're a guy

3. you're a guy.

4. you're married, you're married, you're married.

5. You write in ALL CAPS

6. You send me a picture and that's all. Trust me you're not going to win me over with looks alone.

As I read through these 50 reasons I smiled, became a little misty-eyed, laughed, was reflective and hopeful. How sweet of the woman who wrote those 5 things and how lucky - perhaps the woman who will experience these 50 things.

I was thinking a few days ago after I hung up from a call, all anyone ever wants in life is to be accepted. Yes, we all could stabd to change some things in our lives & character, but at the end of the day we want for those close to us to look at us and smile because no matter what, they will always love and accept us for our true, fucked up authentic selves. Even I, the ice Queen herself desires to be loved, not for my outward exterior but for who I am on the inside. C'est le vie!

Peace & Light....