Pain

I am plagued with migraines, they've been around for as long as I can remember. I get regular headaches also, they usually occur on the right side, while the migraines reside on the left side of the head. The pain that I feel takes a toll on me, it sucks up my energy, my patience and my strength. Do you know how difficult it is to explain to a non-migraine sufferer what you're going through? It's difficult because if they can't even entertain the pain in their minds there is no way for them to understand how you could possibly feel. Pain in any form changes a person in some way, for me, it changes my generally sweet, accommodating personality; I have no patience for anything I become easily annoyed. I don't like being around people when I don't feel well, some like to be pampered and rubbed but not I.....don't touch me, don't even look at me, better yet, just leave me alone with my pain. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do for me, I won't even ask for anything because I know my patience is rice paper thin so I will be annoyed at the delivery and "why are you walking so hard". It makes no sense for me to act ugly like that but pain.....mainly migraine pain brings out the worst in me.

The last times I went to the ER, (yeah I know I said "times") all kinds of things were flowing through my head. I honestly didn't think I'd leave, I thought I would expire on the table with that IV in my arm. I went to the ER Friday and had to go back Saturday! My head was hurting so badly that I could barely think straight, I was trying my best to calm myself down, but it didn't work. I'm always nervous when the drugs enter my veins, I don't like being out of control and when drugs enter your body to some degree you are out of control. I strive to stay out of the ER because all those meds aren't good for my organs, mainly my liver.

Last night I went to bed because I was really tired, I did a lot of housework and the laundry and other little errands. While I was asleep, I had a pain in my head that woke me up, when I finally woke up my head was hurting so bad. I get so sick and tired of it all, just sick and tired! I was determined that the pain would go away, I wasn't taking any pills or anything else. Finally readjusting my head and neck I was able to get some relief and fall back to sleep. Today, again I'm tired, just trying to relax. However I went to the gym and went to the grocers, that pain is back, it plays with you....now you feel it and now you don't kinda game. I'm so tired, but I'm thankful that my pain isn't from a tumor or anything else along those lines, but I do wish I knew what causes the pain.

There are times when I wish I were by myself, left alone to suffer without it affecting others. Most people truly don't want to be a burden to anyone, especially their loved ones. It also takes a toll on those who are there in the midst, those who take you to the ER or make sure you're ok; I realize those facts that's one reason why when I am feeling good, I try to be good as gold to others. You know sometimes you can give so much of yourself that you have nothing left for you.

My name is UGLYFirst, I suffer from migraines, I'm more tired than not, I continue to push myself because that's all I know how to do, I deal with pain more often than not,

I

am

tired

!



If You Only Knew

If you only knew how much I admire you

If you only knew that you mean the world to me

If you only knew that forever you will be in my heart

If you only knew, what would you do?

If you only knew, what would I do?

If you only knew that you are the one person who gets me

If you only knew that you always know how to cheer me up

If you only knew that I am a better me because of you

If you only knew, what would you do?

If you only knew, what would I do?

The simple fact remains, you don't know

The simple fact is you'll never know

Why? Because if you only knew, there would be no reason for this poem.

What About Yo Friends?!?!

Someone once said, "with friends like these, who needs enemies" it had to get pretty cut throat for someone to make such a strong statement. The reality is amongst some friends it does go to that level and for various reasons but the one the comes to mind is jealousy. Jealousy can prevent a friend from rejoicing with those who are happy, it can cause one to not lend support in any manner, that green-eyed monster will create tension where there shouldn't be tension.

Why, if you say you're a friend, would one become a secret enemy? A question was posed on Facebook today, "Things That People Steal?", well my response was "your joy, your dreams and motivation". Have you ever been excited about something and you decide to share it with a friend and they find a thousand reasons why "it won't work", "too soon too fast", "bad idea", just totally shut you down every time no matter what it is. Granted, it may not have worked or it would've been a horrible idea, but instead of trying to help tweak it or give some positive advice, nope, you're left wishing you never shared shit with them.

Not everyone in your circle of friends is in your corner and the sooner you realize and accept that fact the better you can deal with those "frienemies". Now what I have a hard time understanding is why, why can you not be happy for me even though your life at the present moment isn't so great? Why can you not be a comfort to me when I'm sad or in distress? If I am there for my friends in all capacities you would think those motherfuckers would be there for me, ha, yeah right! Despite how insane I think some of them are or how stupid they act from time to time and how I know their thinking is fucked all the way up, I'm still there for them. I cry with them, listen to their life's drama, laugh and try to inspire them, engage them, indulge them and have even fucked a few of 'em but it seems to me when I'm happy the support wanes and waffles. Oh but let me be sad, heart-broken, drama galore and they seem to be eager to listen, support and be all I need them to be. Yea, that sounds good, but sometime you have to sit back and ask yourself, "why is it that they can be in the moment when my life is turned upside down, always wanting to call, email or text, just be there?"......."are they really that concerned or merely making sure my black ass stay miserable". I'm leaning towards the latter, ahh, but what ya gonna do, people are who they are and there's nothing I can really do to change 'em. Gotta love and accept people where they are in their lives.....took me awhile to embrace that statement.

Basically, I don't think one should sacrifice goals, dreams, ideas and suppress their happy, feel good moments because of friendships. Some have even ended relationships because of what their friends thought, get the hell outta here! Some have put their lives on hold because their girls didn't agree with their ideas and dreams. You know maybe your girls can't be supportive because they have no dreams of their own, they are too afraid to dream. Fear can be a motherfucker, you're too afraid to dream and dammit your friends can't dream either because you don't want to be left behind. If you're confident within yourself, you can be ok when your friends are soaring, happily in love and living out their dreams.

I wrote all of that because it was swirling around in my head and because I feel like none of my friends are happy for me and my relationship......ain't that some shit! Now, I could be wrong but the fact that I feel the way I do speaks volumes. Kinda sucks because I want them to share in my happiness but it's all good because I have a best friend who happens to be my bed mate and we're just tickled pink loving love and loving us.

No, it's not all good because damn, I really wish I had a core group......and by group I mean as few as 2 or 3 that not matter what I knew they were in my corner.

So, what say you? What about yo friends???

Loving, laughing, living, learning and listening,

UGLYFirst

2011 Was A Good Year

It's been awhile, but I'm back. The year has ended and a new one has begun, and I must admit I'm sad to see 2011 end. No, I didn't win a coveted award nor did I win the lottery but overall my life was good even with the ups and downs. I'm thankful because I survived 2011, many didn't. I learned a lot about myself, took some changes, achieved some goals and failed on some others, hey we can't win all the time.

I made some HUGE leaps in 2011, I was courted, I allowed myself to be vulnerable, I confronted my sexual addiction, I quit my jobs.....and didn't have another lined up (that was SUPER HUGE for me), I fell head over heels in love with someone I had only known for less than a week, I moved to another state to start a new life with a woman, I gave ALL of myself to another person (something I had

 NEVER done before), I pursued things that I knew would add to my happiness, I changed my attitude about life, love and people and much more. Those leaps have enhanced my life in such a way that when I look in the mirror I can honestly say I'm pleased with me. Now don't get me wrong, there are other things that I wish to achieve, goals that I want to set and accomplish and things, places and people I wish to explore, but at this very moment all that I did in 2011 is golden with me.

My relationship, my love, my heart was cute at first then it became rocky, now it's wonderful. Now that's not to say we don't butt heads at times because we do, but we always manage to remember the foundation, the core of our relationship and we come together and continue living. Our relationship isn't based on sex, I had fallen in love before she ever touched me physically, however, she did in fact touch me, she touched my heart, my mind and my soul. You know sometimes you have to throw caution into the wind and just go for what you want, I wanted her so I went for it. Me being committed to her isn't scary to me, I want to only be for her, I only want her touch, her kisses, her sweet caresses, I want to be selfish and not share with anyone. I want to grow old with her, experience life with her, the ups and downs, joys and pains, I want, desire, need her in my life and me in her life.

2011 will always be special to me, I will always look back and smile. I'm excited about 2012, what lies ahead, the journey, the lessons learned, the ups and downs, the victories won and those that will get away. I feel very liberated because I'm living my life, my way and making happiness happen.

Always laughing, loving, learning and living......

UGLYFirst